CouldYouMaybe Baby

Is there anybody out there....?

2010-10-24T23:22:00.004-04:00

It's been a year since my last post...how did that happen?

I just spent time re-reading my old posts. There were lots of things I wrote about that I wouldn't have remembered had I not just re-read them. I'm happy to have things documented in this blog, but WOW...reading much of it was pretty painful...there was some sadness and some worry there, huh? Remarkable.

Things are so good now. I don't really remember the sadness and the worry.

Allie is 21 months old. She runs around and talks and sings and surprises me every day. She is happy and friendly and loving and curious and enthusiastic. She is my pumpkin pie. My monkey. My peanut butter. My little peach. To see the world through her big beautiful hazel-ish/brownish eyes is like having a second chance at life.

My job is great and is flexible enough to allow me lots of time with Allie. I feel competent and able to depend on myself again.

I am a single mom living in a non-single town. Yet I tell people about my choice to become a mom as a single woman. And about my elation with that choice and with how things have turned out.

Must sleep now. I hope to be back again soon.

End of October already???

2009-10-28T22:22:00.003-04:00

I can't believe how time flies. Really.

The trees are beautiful with vibrant colors up and down the block. The leaves are falling. There is a crispness in the air. Allie wears cute little hats and jackets. The summer is truly gone. In some ways, it feels like summer was FOREVER ago, but in other ways I remember it like yesterday.

I felt a sense of peace today that I haven't felt in a very long time. I had forgotten what that felt like. Now I can't believe I went without that feeling for so long.

So let's see...I'm back to work, finally. I have dreaded this for 9 months, but I have done it. This is my second week at work. I got a nanny who comes to the house (oh yeah, did I mention I moved into a house?). Allie loves her. The nanny is warm and caring and loving. I feel so lucky...and never imagined I'd find someone so great. I am coming to learn that Allie is well taken care of, even when I'm not there. And that is a weight lifted off of me. And that is part of the peace, I'm sure.

I have grown more used to being away from Allie, particularly in the past weeks while at work. I do miss her tremendously while I'm away, and this separation has been tough. Also, I feel guilty when not with her. However, there is something to be said for having a moment to focus on aspects of myself aside from being a mother. That's another thing that has brought me the sense of peace I think. Reconnecting myself with pieces of me that have been long ignored. It was like a big exhale that I haven't had in forever.

Enough about me. Allie is wonderful. Crawling everywhere, waving, saying "hi" to everyone she sees, pulling herself up to standing, giving me kisses, going wild when she sees dogs. She is such a happy kid and I am in awe of her every day.

I'm still nursing three times a day, but am cutting down to twice (morning and bedtime) given the work thing. She takes formula like a champ now (that did take a while). She also loves to eat solid foods, but is quite picky. Favorites include: raisin bread, blueberries, yogurt, cheese, cheerios, yogurt melts, bananas, and sweet potatoes. She pretty much blows off everything else, but I keep trying. She sleeps about 10 hours a night, sometimes without waking up but sometimes waking up once (for a brief "hi, mama's here" and she's back to sleep). She takes a morning and afternoon nap, each 1 1/2 to 2 hours. It's a pretty great schedule in my world, aside from the middle-of-the-night parties.

I haven't told the people at the new job that I'm a single mom yet. Well, they know the mom part, but not the single part. Not sure how to discuss it with anyone here really...being out of nyc now is so different. I worry that I stick out like a sore thumb here whereas I used to be able to just fade into the woodwork as "not so weird" there. I guess I'll figure it out.

Tongue

2009-09-01T20:33:00.002-04:00

Ewww, gross.

I went to a deli today. It was a great deli--sort of old school. Anyway, the gross part is that the guy in line behind me ordered a TONGUE SANDWICH. Tongue on rye with mustard. Foul.

So as I was waiting for my egg salad, I watched the deli guy pull out a LARGE TONGUE and to begin slicing it. And then he placed the tongue slices on bread. The tongue slices looked (gag) just as you would expect tongue slices to look. I was thoroughly sickened.

Not sure why it seemed so gross to me. I've never had tongue. Have you? What is it like??

"First Word"

2009-08-10T20:39:00.002-04:00

Allie has been saying "da da da da da" for days now. My mom thinks it is hysterical that her first word is da da given that she has no father. This makes me very mad, although I know my mother means no harm. Don't most kids start with that sound?? Oh well, one of many hurdles to deal with when you have a donor-conceived child, I guess.

I tried to give Allie formula today and she flat out refused it. Will try again tomorrow...

Sugar and other random things

2009-08-09T20:53:00.003-04:00

I'm a total sugar addict. Truly! I have gotten into this bad habit of eating candy. It used to be just a little candy, but now it's A LOT of candy. Like a huge bag of licorice in one day. I'm trying to break the habit, but it's harder than I thought. I feel like going out to buy something right now!! It doesn't help that there is an empty bag of JellyBelly jellybeans next to me (I polished them off last night).

Allie seems to be teething again. Her bottom two teeth came through and things settled down for a while. Now she's not sleeping again, is drooling constantly, and is biting on everything in sight again. Could it be another tooth? She won't let my fingers GET NEAR her mouth to look at all. Poor baby...I hate the thought that she's in pain.

I got a job. I'm pretty happy about it and am hoping this means that things will move forward for me and that Allie and I will be okay. But of course I'm skeptical still. I'm going in to see the people at the end of this month to talk about money and scheduling (I'm planning to start working 3 days/week), and will start in mid-October after we move. I guess this means looking for a nanny/childcare is in my future.

Part of my concern about childcare is the feeding issue. Allie is still exclusively breast fed. She will take bottles of breast milk, but rarely has to since I'm always here. (She eats solids too, but still nurses 5 times each day.) She has not had formula since she was 4 days old. I am TERRIFIED of formula, and this is because several of her half-siblings (same donor) have milk protein allergies. We moms assume the donor has some history of milk protein allergies. Anyway, I have been scared to give her formula and have put it off, and now I'm concerned that she won't TAKE formula if I give it to her, and that she will be allergic if she does take it. This makes childcare rough because it means I would have to pump more...and I am TIRED of pumping (I pump once each day to get milk for her cereal). Pumping sucks. I'm SOOOoooo over it.

Allie did have formula a few times during the first days of her life. Does anyone know if milk allergies would have showed up then? She had no problems with the formula then, so does that mean she isn't allergic?

Ugh. I want Twizzlers more than ever right now.

The Other Side of Things

2009-08-01T20:53:00.003-04:00

Finally. In the last couple of weeks, I have felt like my old self again. Better, even. So much so, that I can look back and see those "bad" months from another perspective. It's pretty amazing how bad the PPD got and how quickly it happened. But thanks to Z, I'm doing a lot better.

I feel more confident again. Happy. Less worried. Less obsessive. Strong. Responsible. Dependable. ABLE.

And I've made some changes. First, I'm pretty close to having a job which will start in the fall. Second, I bought a house! My own little house! Where my daughter will have her own room. And her own closet. And a little backyard. And a basement to play in. The house is in the town where my parents live. I have weighed the positives and negatives of that one, and decided to go for it. I'm becoming more at peace with this decision every day.

But still, I do have some nagging doubts and some second-guesses. I fear that living so close to my parents will encourage me to lose my independence and to move backward instead of forward. At the same time, I need to learn to accept help when I need it. Also, I LOVE the fact that my parents will be in my child's life on a regular basis. And I love that the community here is so nice and supportive, even now when many of the people hardly know me. Family, and community, are both important.

I know, deep down, that this is the best move for my child. We move in on October 1st.

Speaking of the babe, she is suddenly 6 1/2 months old. Hard to believe. She's sitting up, eating solids, cutting teeth, growing a little hair, sleeping through the night (I don't want to jinx this...I shouldn't have said anything). I am enjoying her so much...I absolutely love being the mother of this amazing child.

5 Months Old

2009-06-15T10:58:00.002-04:00

Jeez, I haven't posted in a while.

All is well here. I'm living a quiet suburban life with my baby and her grandparents. I go to Tar.get and hang out on the block with neighbors who also have kids and are looking for adult interaction. I see people on the street and we say hello to each other. I typically run into someone I know outside of the house at least once a day. It is a community, and a much less anonymous life. The downsides include my complete lack of social life. That is something to work on.

I quit my job last week and am looking for jobs in this area. And once I am working, I will start looking for a home for me and Allie.

While apprehensive and overwhelmed, I'm admittedly excited about these changes. I'm feeling less guilty about it all. And a little less like a failure. I'm still unsure and lacking confidence in my decisions, but I feel like I might be getting to a better place with all of this.

Seeing Allie light up when she sees my parents is so wonderful. I'm really happy for her that she gets to know them and have them in her life. I didn't imagine that this would be a possibility, but it is and I'm trying to enjoy it all.

Allie is 5 months old. She looks to me like a big kid...head up, alert, curious about it all. She is a very happy girl, smiling all the time. We started cereal about 10 days ago because she started waking up multiple times in the night (ugh). She LOVES cereal and fruit, and is sleeping better again. I'm still breast feeding, but less often now that she's eating food too. I think I'm planning to move to formula in the next month. (I worry constantly about my milk supply...it's crazy that I torture myself all the time.)

She loves to experiment with making different noises. She fake coughs, and screeches, and giggles, and coos all the time. She thinks she is adding to the conversation by doing this while others are talking. She is still basically bald, but has started to grow some fuzz on the top of her head. She rolls over onto her belly very well but can't get back on her back and often throws up if on her stomach too long. She wants to crawl but can't seem to figure it out yet. No teeth yet, but she's been biting on everything and drooling for several weeks now. She loves to suck on her own toes. She pats the back of my neck while I hold her, and has recently started pulling my hair (hard!).

And then there's me. My shrink upped the Z dose a little bit because I still feel anxious at times. I think I'm doing pretty well overall and feel like I'm out of the depths of hell that was my existence 6 weeks ago. Exercise and sleep help a lot too, but I don't get enough of either. I'm just moving on one day at a time.

Okay but a Bit Overwhelmed

2009-05-26T20:51:00.003-04:00

I'm afraid to jinx things but I've been feeling pretty damned good for a while now. Maybe better than I've felt since the birth. Maybe better than I've felt since BEFORE the birth.

During the hard weeks, everyone advised me...including my psychiatrist...to not think too much about the future and all the things that worried me, but to instead focus on getting better and on ONE DAY AT A TIME. So I tried my best to do that.

Now that I'm feeling better, I start to pressure myself to get on these things. To make big decisions. And I mean BIG decisions! It's overwhelming when I think of any of the issues, let alone all of them at once.

One decision I think I've made is to not go back to my job. I don't like that job. While pregnant, I didn't think I would really go back to that job. Even though I don't want to go back to it, I feel guilty and like a big f-ing loser. And I DREAD the call to my boss to tell her I'm not coming back. But there's also part of me that knows I will feel relief when I get the call over with.

I applied for 2 new jobs today, and the prospect of one of them actually made me kind of HAPPY. Huh. I don't kid myself to think I will get the first job I apply for, but I am encouraged that the idea of that made me feel positive. My thoughts about working (pre-Zo.loft) have all been so, so very negative.

Another decision I think I've made is to leave nyc. This is also something I feel tremendous guilt about. And something I beat myself up about a lot. Again, I feel like a failure and a loser. But I know that things will be better for us out of nyc. Obviously that's not true for everyone...people raise kids in nyc and are great at it. But I just don't think it's for me. At least not right now.

Leaving the place I've called home for 20 years involves the physical move, not to mention figuring out where to move, how to finance all of that, etc.

So, it is all pretty overwhelming to me. BUT I remind myself that as I take one step at a time, I'm getting better and things will work out. They have to.

Emerging?

2009-05-21T18:55:00.002-04:00

It's been hard to write.

I've been staying at my parents' house for more than a week now. The support and love is helpful while I try to get better.

I've had many good days, and still some bad days/times.

Starting to see the light more consistently, but terrified whenever I move back into the dark.

The baby is fine and thriving here. I wonder if this will be a permanent move...

A Light....? At the end of the Tunnel??

2009-05-08T20:42:00.003-04:00

Today I caught a glimpse. Not all day, but for much of the day. Things just felt a bit more..."normal" at times. Like someone cut off the top layer of dirty goo from this hole I've been in...and a little light has been able to come in...

We are still working to increase the Z up to a therapeutic level, and with every increase comes a day of ridiculous anxiety. That day will probably be Monday. But maybe I will come back here and read that the light did make it's way in today...and it will remind me that things can and will get better.

Trying

2009-05-01T20:18:00.003-04:00

I'm trying so, so hard to return to the land of the normal...

Every day I do what the doctor tells me...take this pill then, and that pill then....exercise...be social...get some sleep...shower.

I work so hard to keep my baby happy and to give her everything she needs...essentially trying to keep this secret from her.

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who had PPD after the birth of her second child and we discussed what a well kept secret it often is. It's hard to believe that something so utterly debilitating (to me) could be kept secret. Probably has to do with the shame part.

THANK GOD it seems the anxiety symptoms are lifting. I'm afraid to put that in writing. I must knock on wood. Now, what is becoming more prominent are the depressive thoughts and feelings.

I feel like an utter failure in all senses of the word. Cognitively, I know that I'm not, but I feel that I am anyway. I feel totally alone, even though I know I'm not. I dread waking up in the morning, even though I'm always happy to see my baby. I fear that I can't care for her adequately, although I've been doing it for 3 months without problems and have continued to do so even in the darkest hours of the past weeks (often by asking others to help). I believe that I've made mistakes as a mother that cannot be fixed, although I couldn't name one for you. I fear that I'm damaging my baby by breastfeeding while on these medications, although the doctor assures me it is fine to do so. I feel that I will always be sad and gloomy and that I will never feel like myself again, but the doctor assures me this will go away.

I'm amazed things got so bad so fast. I think I knew it was coming all along, and wish I had started meds at 6 weeks postpartum when I wanted to (but my OB blew the idea off and told me I "just had the blues"). I hope the meds are working and will continue to work for me, and that I don't have to return to the black hole of anxiety ever EVER again.

In the meantime, I haven't read blogs with regularity and haven't commented much that I can recall. But I'm with you all in spirit and sending out as much positive energy as I can muster.

Support

2009-04-26T20:47:00.003-04:00

I've been reaching out for it like never before, and my friends and family have been coming through. And you fantastic women have too...your comments were a really nice thing to come home to today. I was out all day, trying to cope with intense anxiety that lasted for most of the day. Things are seeming a little lighter in the last few hours. I'm hoping that lasts.

Doctor and I talked on the phone and altered the doses of the meds so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

My brother's nanny is spending the afternoon with me tomorrow to do whatever I want. I like her and trust her and that is a good thing.

Thanks for the support...it means so much.

"Classic"

2009-04-25T20:22:00.002-04:00

So, I have "Classic Po.stpartum Depre.ssion." I went to a great psychiatrist on Thursday. We talked a lot about my symptoms and about typical symptoms, and I seem to have all the signs. She told me that PPD often manifests itself in agitation and anxiety (YUP for me)...I didn't know that before.

She prescribed Zo.loft and also At.ivan (to control the anxiety symptoms until the Z kicks in). I was/am ambivalent about taking them, concerned that I would no longer be able to breastfeed safely. She told me I can continue to breastfeed...the Z has been studied and very little is passed through to the breastmilk...the A is less studied, but she is giving me a small dose. I have to trust her, this is what she does -- she tells me it's safe -- she tells me lots of women take these same meds and breastfeed safely.

Yesterday I started the meds and felt so much better. I was encouraged. I wasn't in a cloud of doom and dread anymore. Now today I have been significantly anxious again since around 2:00 pm. I don't know how it started, but once I felt the symptoms I started to spiral again...and I'm having trouble getting out of the damned sprial.

Doctor says (1) it takes a little while to feel better, and (2) the first few days of Z can sometimes INCREASE ANXIETY. Good God, will someone please help me.

I feel like I'm being tortured. In fact, to create these feelings in me would be the best way for someone to inflict torture on me. I feel locked in a black hole. I'm trying to desperately to feed myself with positive thoughts...

I will feel better.
This will pass.
I won't feel this way forever.
I don't have to think about things that worry and upset me.
I am strong.
I will get through this.
I did feel better yesterday and will again.
The Z will start to help me soon.

Shaky

2009-04-21T21:04:00.003-04:00

Ups and downs all day. One minute I'm kind of okay, the next minute I'm an anxious mess.

I saw the therapist. She said I seemed "very heavy" with sadness and anxiety and she suggested I see a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. On the one hand I felt validated that she acknowledged how rough I am feeling. On the other hand, I'm terrified that I'm very obviously feeling so bad.

I'm struggling to survive this round of anxiety. I've felt it before and have pulled out of it. The best I can do right now is not think about going to work in 3 weeks, but to think about postponing again and working towards getting back after some more time. Taking this pressure off myself does make me feel less anxious. But I fear that avoidance breeds more avoidance, and that the return to work might be even harder months down the line. (Please don't comment things like "you're right...it will be harder...go back to work now" because I just can't handle that right now.)

I'm ambivalent, at best, about the meds and about returning to the therapist.

Ok, must get some sleep now. Anxiety is E X H A U S T I N G.

Trying but seeming to not get anywhere

2009-04-20T20:19:00.003-04:00

Ugh, what a nasty and rainy day it was today. Allie and I did not go out at all, which I think was a first for us in the past 2 months. It really helps me to be out and walking, so tomorrow we will do so...come rain or shine.

I called a few of the people I had asked for nanny referrals and no one had looked into ANYTHING for me. This really bothers me. I feel very upset when I reach out and people don't respond....I rarely do reach out (perhaps that's why?).

So, I'm going to go to a few pediatricians' offices tomorrow to see if nannies looking for work might have posted on the walls. I'm trying to just deal with the fact that I can't go back to work until I find someone...not someone good, but someone who I think is GREAT. So I will do my best to find that person but I cannot expect myself to go back before I do. I'm sure that person is out there.

I called a few therapists today. I really liked the first one, but she doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay out of pocket. I found one who does take my insurance, but I'm not sure I liked her much. I just didn't get the supportive feel from her like I did from the first person. Regardless, we scheduled a consultation for tomorrow afternoon. The thought of going there makes me even more anxious. I haven't been in therapy for 2 years and it's really hard to start over. Plus I'm really sensitive and vulnerable right now, and I know I will take most of what she says as criticism and judgment even if it isn't intended that way.

On another note, my mom sort of half-assed offered to watch Allie while I work. Mom lives about 40 minutes away and said Allie and I would stay with her on the days I worked...and I would commute into the city (maybe a 60 minute commute to work). I told her not to offer unless she was serious. She said she would think about it. There would be logistical problems, but it definitely would be nice to have mom watch Allie. I don't see it happening though.

In some ways I wish I could fast forward a few months and see how this all works out. The indecision, the fear, the not knowing...it's all killin' me here. And then I worry how all of THAT is affecting my daughter...and that throws me into new levels of anxiety and sadness.

I am the girl of 100 lists...

2009-04-19T21:18:00.002-04:00

(Wasn't that a song by the Go-Go's?)

Short-term stuff
Never ending household chores (laundry, dishes, vacuming, etc.)
Work on baby book and baby photo album
Find a nanny
Prepare for work in other ways (clothes, haircut)
Find a psychiatrist to finally address panic attacks and depression
Seek support from friends (again)
Meet up with other new moms to discuss life
RSVP to 20 year high school reunion happening in 4 weeks
Find nyc pediatrician that takes my insurance

Long-term stuff
Figure out closet/clothes storage situation
Find a new job
Find a new place to live
Get licensed in states other than NY
Join baby gym class and/or music class
Start dating?

The stress of the above throws me over the edge in the past few days. I've been really, really low down in a very dark place, and am having trouble seeing my way out of this hole. When I think of everything all at once, I start to disintegrate and freak out. Feeling such a lack of strength is terrifying me. I find myself wondering where my strength has gone and if I ever really had it in the first place.

I am trying to think of just one thing at a time, or at least only of the things that need to be immediately addressed. The "long-term stuff" may have to remain unaddressed for a while (even most of the stuff on the short-term list too). One thing at a time...

I think most of my anxiety is related to the idea of returning to work and having someone else care for my daughter for 10 hours of the day. Going through with it seems impossible to me, although I know I have to do it. It is amazing how totally overwhelming anxiety can be at times.

I have made some feeble attempts to begin looking for childcare, but nothing has happened yet. I wish there were some magic answer to all this, but there doesn't seem to be. I also wish I could find some burst of positivity and strength, but I can't find that either.

The last few hours have been a bit better (less anxiety) as compared to the last several days. I am VERY grateful for that and hope that it continues. Fingers crossed...

3 Months Old

2009-04-13T21:11:00.002-04:00

First, thanks to you all--my ladies who support and enrich me, often when I need it most.

Second, my daughter is three months old today! For my own remembering, I wanted to try to list some stuff about her at this point in her life. Again, this post is for me...so if you aren't up for it, please do click away.

She has become more and more alert and curious. She looks around, makes eye contact with people, stares at things, etc. No more sleepy little newborn. She holds her head up now as I hold her and while on the floor with tummy time. Still no rolling over, but she is starting to lift her legs up when on her back and rocking back and forth a bit.

She still has a bald spot about the size of a silver dollar on the back of her head where she sleeps. It is starting to grow some fuzz and feels like a freshly buzzed crew-cut. So cute. Her hair smells so adorable, whether it's freshly washed or not. I really think she has less hair now than she did at birth. I wonder whether it will be dark like mine (and the donor's) and whether or not it will be curly like mine.

People say her eyes are the same shape as mine. The color is still turning, but are no longer the bluish gray color they were at birth. They look hazel to me (like the donor) now. My mother insists that they will be brown (like mine and the rest of the family). Wishful thinking, I'm sure.

When I look at baby pictures of myself at that age, I am stunned by how much we look alike.

Her legs are chubby and just about the softest thing I've ever felt. They are also strong and she loves to kick things. When she is on her tummy, she pushes off with her feet as though she wants to move forward.

She smiles at me throughout the day, and for about three days now has been giggling. She is particularly taken with my making sounds such as "la la la" and "goo" and also likes it when I give her the Bronx cheer.

She smiles at others too, especially my mother. She often cries with strangers (which makes it harder for me to leave her)...she is okay for a few seconds, then her bottom lip pouts out, and then there is full-blown screaming. She usually won't stop crying until she is returned to me. This is a source of great stress to me as I want her to be comfortable with other people, so I'm trying to get her to interact with others at least once a day. Seeing her with others is sort of surreal...I look at this amazing creature and can't believe she is my kid.

She still doesn't really reach for things, but when she gets them in her hands she pulls things into her mouth. It is funny to watch her...she gets extremely frustrated when she can't get things in her mouth. And then she grunts. I always know she's mad when she grunts.

THIS CHILD SLEEPS at night. She goes to bed around 8:30 pm, usually falls asleep while nursing, and sleeps until 6:00 am! She then feeds and an hour later will go back down for another 2-3 hours. There are no big naps from noon on (little cat naps), but I won't complain. Now if only I went to bed when she did and got as much sleep as she does. She still sleeps best swaddled. If not swaddled, she often wakes herself up with a start...like she's dreaming that she's falling or something.

She is the happiest in the morning. She smiles and rolls around in glee when I go to pick her up in the crib. She sticks her tongue out when she smiles. She coos. She's warm and cozy and sinks right into me when I pick her up. At night, she is much less happy. She is fussy usually starting around 6:00pm. It is harder to entertain her during those hours. This sucks because it is usually when we see my friends, who all likely think she's a fussy baby. It is sometimes tough to take her to restaurants, but I still do it.

I think she's starting to be a little shy around others. She looks at them, smiles, and then hides her head in my neck. Not sure what this is all about...it's new.

She loves to suck, but still won't really take a pacifier ever. I've been trying to get her to suck her thumb or any of her fingers for a while, but she hasn't done it. Today I left her in the crib for literally 1 minute while I peed and when I came back in, she was sucking her thumb and asleep!

She's extremely verbal. She used to say "goo" after I did. Now she has moved on to "hhhhhi." Mostly she just babbles and tries to make noises while others are involved in conversation. I think about what she thinks we are all saying, and how she likely thinks it's just sounds...so that her sounds fit right in with the conversation.

She loves it when I speak spanish to her. My spanish is not great, but she thinks it is!

She is still exclusively breast fed. Now that she sleeps so long at night, we are down to 6 or 7 feeds a day. I neurotically fear that my milk supply will suffer, but all still seems to be okay. She is chubby and looks healthy. People see her big cheeks and laugh at me when I say I'm not sure I'm feeding her enough. The thing about breast feeding is you never know how much they are getting.

I don't know how the breast feeding thing will go once I return to work next month. I plan to pump, but I don't let down as well with the pump. And I'm not sure how much she needs at each feeding. I can always start formula during the day once childcare is in place, but I really don't want to yet. (OH YEAH, HAVE I MENTIONED I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK??)

We haven't seen the pediatrician in 5 weeks, but at her 8 week appointment she weighed 12 1/2 pounds. I'm sure she's at least 14 pounds now (according to my mom's scale...mom weighs herself alone and then with Allie and we figure she weighs the difference). We have to go back in 4 weeks for the second round of shots. Ugh. The first time was unpleasant, but only for a few moments.

That's all I can think of for now. I must go to bed.

Happy birthday to me...

2009-04-12T21:43:00.003-04:00

Today is my birthday. I'm 38. It is also Easter. I use this time every year to reflect and reevaluate...and to try to make some fresh starts.

Sadly, today was a shitty, shitty day. I don't mean to complain, but it's my freaking blog, dammit. Today was chaotic and crazy with family stuff. Also, I didn't feel like it was in any way made special for me. Not that I usually expect to feel special AT ALL, but on my birthday I think it's okay to be made to feel a little special. Even if it's just for an instant. (I did get two nice singing voicemails, and both made my day.) I think sharing your birthday with a holiday kind of cancels your birthday out.

On top of today's chaos, and my exhaustion (Allie woke up an extra time last night...unclear why...and she's been fussy and spitting up all day which is totally unlike her), I am sad because I have other things on my mind, but I continue to feel unsafe to write here. I'm thinking about taking a break from blogging or starting a new blog or maybe password protecting. I just felt recently slammed. Not sure what I did to deserve it. And I'm sad because I need a place to write and get my thoughts out...but this has, in part, turned into a place where I fear I will be judged (certainly NOT by all but by some) and my fragile ego doesn't seem to handle it well.

I'm not allowed to talk about what my baby means to me because I offend some who don't yet have their baby. And I don't feel safe talking about the challenges of motherhood, including my intensely difficult emotions connected to going back to work...because I SHOULD just suck it up and be happy because I have my baby. Well, I guess I can't please everyone. I wish I had the guts to just do something to please myself and not worry about the rest. That's really what I need.

So my reevaluation and review, and my plans for new beginnings...well I guess it's all on hold. I never got to it today. Maybe that was the worst part of it all.

Maternity Leave Revisited

2009-04-04T21:17:00.004-04:00

Thanks for checking in MeAndBaby! And thanks to everyone for your super supportive comments.

Well, it seems I will get to stay home for another month. I'm actually shocked at how well my phone conversations went and how flexible people were.

My boss told me to "come back whenever you want...just let me know...and do you want part time? You can work as much or as little as you want." That is uncharacteristically nice of her.

The TOTALLY INCOMPETENT human resources woman was okay with me extending my leave as long as the chief of psychiatry okayed it (which she did). She also had forgotten to stop my health insurance, so I get it FREE for the next month. That is one time that this woman's incompetence worked in my favor!

So I gave them a re-start date of May 11th. I'm trying to move forward and find childcare that I am comfortable with. I'm talking to people about nannies and about how to interview them, what to offer them, etc. I'm going to start leaving Allie in small doses so that I can get used to the separation. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD, but I can work towards doing it. (I still hate it though.)

I need to decide if I want to work 3 full days or 5 afternoons. What do you think?

At the same time, I'm thinking of moving out of nyc. So I'm beginning to look for jobs and thinking about where I can live. This all gets to be TOO MUCH at times so I have to slow down and work on one thing at once. I am determined to enjoy as much of the next 5 weeks at home as I can and will be angry at myself if I spend the whole time stressed out.

Allie continues to be the light and the calm in all this craziness. I can't imagine life without her.

Separation

2009-03-30T15:17:00.002-04:00

Separation....

The thought of leaving Allie has been killing me. I am supposed to go back to work a week from today. (I can't believe she will be 12 weeks old.) I have been feeling that leaving her is just not possible for me. Yet, as a single mom and head of the household, I HAVE to work...to support us...to get health insurance...to set an example of a strong, professional woman for my daughter. But the thought of all this has kept me up at night.

Yesterday was an especially tough day. I was exhausted, and therefore cried quite a bit. I started thinking "I've done this all wrong. I should have a husband." The benefits would include having another income which would allow me to stay home for, say, at least 6 months. I would also have some adult interaction every evening and night (hopefully that would include some love and validation). I would also be able to leave Allie with him while I went to the supermarket or did the laundry, and would therefore have some experience leaving her.

Don't get me wrong...I don't regret having Allie ONE SINGLE BIT (pun not intended)...and if I had her with husband or any way other than how I had her, I wouldn't have HER. And that would just not be okay. I just mourn not having the support, love, and caring of someone who we could see every day. Someone who loves her like I love her. I think about the donor who doesn't even know she exists...and I feel sad for him.

Anyway, I talked to my mom about the above stuff. She is a rock, let me tell you. It's interesting because she had (and still has) a husband who worked and supported her so that she could stay home with the kids. She doesn't have the experience of being a working mother as she never went to work until I was in high school. But she supports the idea of me working, telling me it is good for me to have some intellectual stimulation, and that this will make me happier and more fulfilled...all of which are good for the baby. It's true.

I talked about my intense fear of leaving Allie. Being away ten hours a day while I work seems just not doable. How will I deal with the guilt I'll feel when I focus on other things for 10 hours? Will Allie even know me when I get home? Will someone care for her the way I do? Mom said, "Yes, she will know you and she will always love you best. But don't you WANT her to have other people in her life that love and care for her? It is good for her to know that LOTS of people love her." Yes, she's right again.

I'm planning to call my boss tomorrow and talk to her about extending my maternity leave another 4 weeks. I still can't imagine going back in 5 weeks, but it's better than one week. If she says no, I'll have to figure something out...quickly.

The picture I posted: it's not the best as far as pictures go, but I love love love love love it.

Some Stuff about my Baby

2009-03-18T20:43:00.003-04:00

Given the title, please click away if you are not up for it.

My little girl. She is truly amazing to me every day. Every moment really. She is suddenly 9 weeks old and I feel like she is graduating from being a newborn, even though she is still just a little girl. The truth is, she is no longer just a blob who eats and poops and cries and sleeps. Yes, she still does all those things, but now she is starting to interact too.

Example: I laid on the floor with her about an hour ago for tummy time. She DOES NOT like tummy time, but has to do it to strengthen her neck. I hate to torture her so I don't make her do it often, and when I do I only put her on her tummy for maybe half a minute (or shorter if she melts down). We then work on rolling over, which she can't do at all! Tonight, while on her back, I started to tell her about her name. How her first name is for her maternal great grandmother and her middle name is for her Granny. And how her last name is her Papa's family. And how much her family loves her and how having this family connection is important. (We didn't talk about her conception or her donor today, but have in the past.) Anyway, this child was so eager to converse that she locked eyes with me the whole time, cooed and gurgled, and moved her arms and legs wildly for a good 5 minutes, all as if to say "listen to me, I'm talking too!" It was precious. She is unbelievable to me.

We spend a bit of time every day "talking." Mostly because we both love it. She says "goo"...that is her favorite sound to make and the one she does best. She will say it when I "goo" to her. I show her "la la la" many times a day and she breaks into a big smile each time.

We have been taking daily walks through Central Park. She sleeps through the majority of it, but sometimes wakes halfway through and looks up at me...and the moment of recognition usually happens...and I see a big smile, and I can't help but melt.

And sleeping. This child sleeps. Last night she slept from 9:00pm until almost 5:00am. That was the longest stretch ever. Usually bed is between 8 and 9 and she wakes by 2 or 3. She always goes back to bed after feeding and sleeps another 3+hours. She only takes short naps during the day, but I can't complain.

I hope that years from now I will clearly be able to remember the softness of her skin. And the smell of her head. And the feeling I get when she smiles. And how her body is warm when I pick her up after she sleeps. And the noises of contentment she makes while she nurses.

I have to deal with the sad fact that I must return to work soon. It's too hard to think about or write about. Not sure how I will do it, but I know I have to. I know it will be good for her to have a mom who is strong and professional and capable. I know it will be good for her to have a mom who has a life and has some adult stimulation. But the thought of separating from her makes me both sad and guilty. I'll have to sort it all out.

Home?

2009-03-16T20:46:00.004-04:00

It's been a while. For some reason, I don't feel able to post these days.

I don't want to offend or upset people by what I say. I think many of those who read this don't YET have babies (notice the YET!)...and who wants to read about babies when you want one but don't have one yet?

So I won't talk about my baby.

I fear being judged by others..by whom I'm not sure given that those who comment (those that I "know" as opposed to anonymous or random people) are supportive and caring. But for some reason it doesn't feel safe to put my stuff out there right now.

So I won't talk about my stuff.

That leaves little. Maybe I'll talk about me and my relationship to nyc.

I've lived here since 1989. I can't believe that!! I guess I have always liked it well enough to stay here because I have never moved away. But I've always said I wanted to leave.

I've never been one to take full advantage of living here (aside from exploiting food delivery at any time of the day or night). That is to say, I don't go to lots of operas or museums or shows. I don't try new restaurants every week. I don't go to art galleries and meet swanky people who drink interesting cocktails. I DO do some of these things sometimes, but not often enough to feel that I "take advantage" of the opportunities here. I have very often wondered if I would be as content living somewhere else.

Being here with a new baby puts a new spin on things, likely because I don't only think of myself anymore. I notice cracks in the sidewalk or bumpy pavement because the stroller is bumpy and my baby sometimes rouses from sleep because of it. Same with firetruck sirens. Do you realize how freakin LOUD they are? I never realized it before. I notice the chronic SLAM of my neighbors' door because it makes my baby jump. I notice how many people smoke on the street and force us to breathe in the dirty air as we walk by them. I notice how dirty the wheels of the stroller are every time we return from an outing. I notice how some stores have a big step, or several steps, in front which means I have to pick the stroller up to get in and out. And don't even get me started on transportation options....I haven't tried the subway yet. Or the bus. I pay too much for cabs, and it's a hassle with the carseat and the stroller and the diaper bag and the baby and myself!

I think what I'm noticing most of all about this city these days is the anonymity. The fact that I can go outside walking for an hour and not recognize a single face the whole time. No one to nod to or smile to that I've ever seen before. I miss the small town feel of my parents' home town where you would always at least recognize someone. It makes me profoundly sad as I type about it.

The social isolation part of being a new mom is rough. I feel limited in what I can do and in what I want to do. It's harder to see friends for a variety of reasons.

So I will throw out there that I am lonely. Loneliness sucks. I am more lonely than ever, despite the fact that the almost-9-week-old love of my life is with me at all times. I feel like we are alone in this big place..and despite the fact that we're doing pretty damned well, I'm kind of lost.

Yeah yeah, poor me.

Feeling Better

2009-02-28T09:17:00.002-05:00

Just a quick post...I'm feeling better. I'm less anxious about being anxious...and therefore I'm less anxious overall. My 6 week appointment at the OBGYN was good. He normalized my emotional stuff and told me I have healed well physically. That was all a relief, and it has helped lower my anxiety.

Allie is amazing. She is napping now and I have to admit that I miss her!!

I'm shouting out to everyone in the tww and to those who are cycling now...my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Rough

2009-02-14T16:27:00.002-05:00

Warning: complaining ahead

I feel like I have to blog about the emotions that I'm feeling...the ones that are, at times, out of my control. So please click away from here if you don't want to deal with my crazy irrationalities and feeling-sorry-for-myself inclinations.

For the first 2 weeks I felt some irrational sadness. I cried on day 3 because I didn't think I liked Allie's name. I cried the next day because my apartment was empty while I stayed with my parents. And I cried because I had a cough. And because I wasn't able to get Allie to sleep sometimes. And then the whole kidney/VCUG/visits to the matter-of-fact urologist/daily antibiotics for "years" thing happened during Allie's 3rd week. And then I felt a little better...she was sleeping a bit at night, I was relieved about the no surgery thing, I felt some sort of control over this...like I was in a routine and things were kind of working. Like the beginning stuff was hormonal stuff, and like things were getting better. Like I was on track. On schedule.

And then I decided it was time to go to my apartment and face the fact that that's where I live (I was staying with my parents since I got out of the hospital). I needed to get my mail, water my plants, set up my future. I cried the whole morning before I left. I sobbed as I was saying goodbye to my parents. I cried the whole way into the city. I cried in my apartment. I worried that Allie is so fragile and that I cannot go back to work any time soon. I worried about how to deal with meals and laundry since my mother had been doing that for me. I didn't sleep at all that night, despite the fact that Allie (my little trooper) did. I found myself in bed, unable to sleep, just like I was during much of the pregnancy. "I'm back here again"...not a happy thought in the middle of a sleepless night.

The next day I started to feel better. I took 2 walks, I took a nap, I set up the bassinet in my bedroom, I used the Baby Bjorn, I picked up my prenatal vitamins. My friend was with me the whole time and that really helped a lot.

And now I'm back at my parents' house. And I'm crying on and off again. I'm scared. I feel like I'm moving backwards at times. Like the "it's just your hormones" excuse is running out. Tuesday will be 5 weeks since Allie was born. Shouldn't I be more stable by now? Does this get easier? Will there be times when Allie will be awake where she is not crying or in need of total attention? Will I ever sleep for more than a few hours at a time again? I'm sure people say that this will all get better, but it's hard to see those things now. (Cumulative sleep deprivation doesn't help.)

I've talked a lot of this out with my mom, God bless her. I realize that I'm very concerned with how this looks to others. Thoughts/judgments that I fear: "Jess isn't doing well." "What's wrong with Jess?" "Why is it taking her so long?" "Why isn't she able to function?" If I didn't have to worry about what I think others are thinking, I'd just take my time and heal...physically, emotionally, whatever. I need to stop worrying about how this looks to others, and just focus on taking care of my baby and myself. Chances are, I will do better in time. I may just need more time than others need.

And I may need to talk to the doctor about my emotions and ways to keep them under control.

Baby girl is doing well, I know that. She is growing daily. Her cheeks are huge!! She is starting to smile. She eats well. She is starting to coo. She practices rolling over when I push her a little. Her neck is getting stronger and she holds her little head up more and more. She poops and pees like a champ. She sometimes sleeps. She loves nursing. She is more and more alert and curious and likes to look at things. She loves taking walks. She knows how to tell me when her tummy hurts. So as I said, she's doing well.

So what's taking me so long??

Not Enough Time in the Day

2009-02-07T20:38:00.003-05:00

I just can't find the time to post.

I want advice about breast feeding and about other stuff too, but I can't seem to get it together to make a list of questions that I have.

Overall, things seem to really be going well. My baby is thriving and growing and learning every day. I have gotten a couple of full-faced smiles from her -- usually after she nurses and while we are talking to each other. In moments like those, it feels like I have won the lottery.

And I am doing pretty well too despite the challenges of cumulative sleep deprivation. But in the wee small hours of the morning when I'm trying to get to a little bit of sleep between feedings, I keep playing the delivery over and over in my head. I feel inadequate. I never felt like I pushed correctly. I hate not doing things well and I feel like a disappointment. That probably sounds stupid. I know I got the baby out and I'm thrilled that I was able to. I'm just really hard on myself, particularly when I'm emotional and tired and ... oh well ... I'm always hard on myself! I know, SHUT UP JESS!!

The test thing is done

2009-02-04T15:50:00.002-05:00

Jeez, I remember trying to log on yesterday evening to post about the test, but I'm pretty sure I got interrupted. Anyway...

We had the VCUG yesterday afternoon. I was a wreck all morning and all day really. Allie was, of course, clueless about what was ahead and was her normal adorable little self.

The nurse catheterized her and she screamed -- like a really in pain scream -- for about 5 seconds (and WOW I hated that). And then she stopped. We had to wait about 10 minutes for the damned doctor to come in. I was PISSED...and kept yelling "let's get the doctor in here...let's get this over with" etc. Poor little uncomfortable baby was just lying there with a catheter stuck in her and taped to her legs, wondering what the hell was going on. She was holding my finger in each hand and just sort of wriggled around as if she didn't want to be there (who could blame her). The nurse was holding her legs down and she didn't like it.

Once the doctor came in, they filled her bladder and watched what happened on the xray screen thing. The xray screen came down on top of her and there were lots of noises. Allie was a little fussy at times during the 10 minutes of xrays, but for the most part was totally stoic and calm. The nurses and doctor were impressed with how well she got through everything. I was also impressed and proud of my strong little daughter. I have a new-found respect for her. She is clearly stronger than I am.

The results are that she does have urinary reflux. It is a grade 2 (it is graded from 1 to 5, 1 being the least severe and 5 being the most severe). Grade 2 is considered on the mild side. Dr. Google says that with grade 2 they usually just give antibiotics to prevent infection and wait for the situation to correct itself (so surgery is usually not indicated). I'm hoping that is true. I have to see the urologist again next Tuesday to discuss the plan, and I'm hoping there are no surprises.

The wave of relief that came over me when this thing was done was profound. I knew I had been nervous about it, but I guess I didn't realize how much. Knowing that your child is going to experience pain is intensely unpleasant.

Thanks all for the support. It means so much and has truly been so helpful to me.

Medical Crap and My Bitchiness

2009-01-29T18:04:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the supportive, thoughtful, and helpful comments yesterday everyone.

I have weighed my options and have talked to several people (a couple of my doctor friends, the pediatrician I've been seeing, etc.) and have made some decisions.

We started antibiotics this morning. She actually LIKED it. I guess she has a sweet tooth like me because that stuff smells pretty sweet. She sucked it right down.

I scheduled the VCUG for next Tuesday at 2:30. We will get through it. I spoke to the radiology people a lot about it. It is a short procedure, and she shouldn't be in much/any pain. I will be there the whole time (if I can stomach it). Once we get the results of this test, I will decide what to do from there. Hopefully, there won't be much to do. Hopefully, the test will say the reflux is mild and just needs to be monitored by ultrasound until it resolves itself.

I have struggled with my parents about these decisions. I feel they have judgment about my decisions or that they are afraid to tell me that they disagree (I've been pretty cranky and short with them in the past day or so...actually I'm sure I'm quite hard to live with). I discussed this with them. They are now saying that they want to support me in whatever decisions I make. I feel pretty good about that. But of course I feel even more guilty about being a bitch lately.

I'm just not sure how to stop being bitchy. I'm feeling so vulnerable and confused, and I'm really tired and pushed to the limit at the same time. I take it out on my parents and I know that's wrong. God, please give me the strength to deal.

Meanwhile, Allie is calm and resilient throughout all this. She is a wonder. I took her for her first walk in a stroller today. It's been too cold to take her out but I was just dying to get out so we went walking. She handled it well and seemed to enjoy it (fast asleep the whole time). She is growing every day and looks like a big girl now...with big chunky legs and cheeks!

Okay, time to go find something to eat.

Two Doctor Appointments

2009-01-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a busy one.

PEDIATRICIAN

We went with Granny and Papa to see the pediatrician in the morning. Compliments were flowing! Doctor said her growth was "amazing"...she is now 8 lbs 12 oz (up from 8 lbs 1/5 oz last week) and she is 20 1/2 inches long (up from 19 1/4 inches 2 weeks ago). Apparently breast feeding is going well! It's so hard to tell because you don't know how much she's getting, but it seems she's getting enough! She poops and pees a lot, which the doctor liked. Her color is good. She is active. Her eyes and ears and all the rest checked out. I felt great when we left.

PEDIATRIC UROLOGIST

Then we went with Papa to see the other doctor. I must admit, even writing about this makes me anxious and a little bit nauseated. The doctor was very matter-of-fact...no positive statements, no nice statements, nothing like that. He was all business. I didn't feel comforted at all and didn't like it. He looked at the films from her 48 hour old ultrasound. He showed me that there is urine in the left kidney, suggesting "reflux."

It seems that Allie has a faulty valve between the bladder and the ureters on the left side (yes, she has TWO ureters on the left side). This valve allows urine to go back up to the kidney from the bladder, and it's not supposed to. He said that in 80% of cases this resolves itself "within about 3 years" and that the baby is treated with daily oral antibiotics until it resolves. Antibiotics are supposed to prevent infection in the urinary tract and bladder. He ordered another test called a VCUG to see the extent of the reflux. If it is severe, he suggests surgery to fix the valve. If it is not severe, he suggests the antibiotics until the valve fixes itself.

He gave me a prescription for antibiotics but I didn't fill it yesterday. I'm conflicted. I don't want her to have to take daily meds indefinitely, but I also don't want her to get a UTI/bladder infection which could cause "permanent damage to the kidney" (who wants to hear that??).

I don't like the idea of having the VCUG done. It involves catheterizing her, injecting dye into her bladder, and seeing how much urine is going back into the kidney so they can assess the extent of the reflux. Doctor said it is not painful for the baby (more just "uncomfortable" when the catheter goes in) but is excruciating for the mother. I truly don't know how I'll get through that. I can't stand hearing her cry. I need to schedule it asap so I can get it over with. I will need support (and maybe valium!).

I can't help but want someone to JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Do I get the antibiotics today? Do I schedule the VCUG now? I have asked my parents to tell me what to do, but they won't. My friend wisely tells me that this is one of the many decisions I have to make as a mother. I'm struggling, and it's only week 2.

I'm trying to hold onto all the positive stuff that the pediatrician said in the morning, and to put this in perspective. We will get through this kidney thing. Everything else is going well. (Right?)

Hangin' In

2009-01-24T19:07:00.002-05:00

That's us...hangin' inside, staying out of the cold. We sit around and cuddle, watch tv, and nurse. We nap and try to return emails. We sing songs and change poopy diapers. I watch her sleep. We do sponge baths and I change her outfits when she poops through them.

She is such a good baby. She is mellow and strong. I'm still in total awe of her.

Allie had a good report at the pediatrician on Tuesday. She gained back the weight she lost in the hospital. We are meeting with a pediatric urologist this coming Tuesday. I hear that her kidney issues should not require more than antibiotics, and that things "should resolve themselves" in the next few months. Fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I'm just enjoying her and the many, many quiet moments where I just thank God that she is here with me.

Baby Allie is Here!

2009-01-16T20:43:00.003-05:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to post. This has been such a life changing event, I cannot really put the words together, but I'll try.

Alexandria Mary was born on 1/13/09 at 4:28 pm.

I went to the hospital around 4:30 am. 1-2 cm dilated at that point.

At 8:00 am I was still 1-2 cm dilated. Pain. Got an epidural which was GREAT. Started pitocin.

At 10:00 am I was 5 cm dilated!

At 12:00 I was 7-8 cm dilated!

By 2:00 I was fully dilated.

Doctor wanted to wait an hour before starting to push so baby's big head could move down on its own so I could conserve my energy for pushing.

Started pushing at 3:00 pm.

Baby born at 4:28 pm.

The pushing was among the most intense, most physically difficult experiences I've had. I felt like I never really got the hang of it and that many, many pushes were unproductive. Doctor considered c-section for a while, then thought about using a vacuum. I decided it was time. I gave the biggest push of my life (doctor called it "an Academy Award winning push"), I yelled "come out baby!" and her head came out...with her arm! I tore from my vag to the rectum with that push. Apparently it was very, very bad. Doctor called in a doctor to help deal with the situation because I still had to get the shoulders out and he didn't want me to tear my rectum too. It all worked out...a few minutes later the rest of Allie came out in one push.

She was put on my stomach and suddenly life changed forever. She is perfect and wonderful. I love her intensely. I worry about her intensely. I can't believe she came out of me. I am so lucky.

She was 8 lbs 3 oz and 19 1/4 inches long. I had to be stitched up for almost an hour. I totally lost bladder control and am still fighting to get it back. I am sore and physically exhausted.

My emotions are all over the place. When things are okay, I'm so happy and so grateful for this amazing child, and I am just overcome with the beauty of all this. But when something goes wrong (which might be as insignificant as not being able to find my chapstick), I freak out, cry, and hold on to the thought that I'm a failure and a disaster. Lack of sleep is a big problem too. Allie sleeps well during the day but doesn't sleep at night.

The pediatrician who saw Allie in the hospital ordered a sonogram to look at the kidney. And it seems there is still some mild enlargement and some other potential issues...none of which were serious, or so I'm told. I am supposed to follow up with a pediatric urologist next week so I have to get on that. That whole thing upsets me greatly...but we will get through it.

Okay enough of the negative and scary stuff. Let me tell you a little bit about the wonder that is my daughter. For now I will say she has big chubby cheeks, she is curious, she is extremely cuddly and wonderful to snuggle with, she doesn't cry unless we are having trouble getting her to latch on properly (which is frequent...I need some help with that), she has dark soft hair, she has beautiful hands and ears, she has perfect rosebud lips, sometimes she hums when she breathes, she loves to put her arm above her head...similar to how she was born..., she knows my voice and has from the start. I love her more than I thought I could. She is my little munchkin.

I hope everyone is doing well. I will catch up on reading your blogs soon. And I appreciate all of your support!!!

Oh!

2009-01-13T03:19:00.001-05:00

I'm leaking fluid and it's pink. I'm going to the hospital now...

More Weeping

2009-01-12T19:06:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I weep therefore I am. Everything is fine, yet I weep.

Had an appointment this morning with the OB again. No change in dilation or with anything really. We discussed doing an induction this week. She said there are lots of women who are past their due dates or who need scheduled inductions right now, and that the hospital schedule cannot accommodate them. She might have an opening for this Thursday for me, but is not sure. If not, there will be no openings until next week Tuesday at the earliest. The baby will be estimated to weigh over 9 pounds by then.

So I waited for them to call me all day and to let me know if there will be an opening, but they didn't. I called as I was leaving work and they said they might know more about scheduling tomorrow, but at this point they are "in a holding pattern and have nothing for the next few days."

I weep because I feel out of control. I weep because I am exhausted and cannot sleep at all and being tired always makes me weepy. I weep because I am nervous about what is ahead. I weep because I feel incredibly alone.

Ultrasound results

2009-01-09T18:55:00.002-05:00

Wow, I'm 39 weeks today. I can't believe it. I worried so much that I would have this baby prematurely, and now I'm worried she will never make her entrance. Worry worry worry.

I had my last ultrasound at the hospital today. Sheesh it is getting harder and harder to get around. Taking the subway there, climbing to the street, and walking the 5 blocks had me breathless for a good 20 minutes. I was sitting amongst several women in the waiting room who were clearly early in their pregnancies...none with bellies yet. I was afraid that my huffing, puffing, and sighing was bad advertisement for pregnancy. At one point I told one of them, "don't worry, it's only this bad right at the end."

So, the measurements are in. Baby is estimated to weigh 8 1/2 pounds today, which is the 77th percentile for weight. The doctor said this is a nice size..."above average but not too huge." The kidney was the same size as the last 2 ultrasounds, which doctor said was good. In fact she said, "the kidney is cured." Of course I was thrilled, but I wanted to strangle her for telling me it wouldn't go away by itself when it was first found to be enlarged at 28 weeks. I lost many hours of sanity on that one back then.

I think my plan is that I'm going to wait until my due date (a week from today) to induce. Baby should be around 9 lbs by then. I hope I can get her out!!!!

Nothin'

2009-01-08T08:18:00.004-05:00

First things first: thanks for the supportive comments everyone. It's really a blessing to have you guys around!

I was up with cramps for much of the night. Not that they were hurting me too much...I was just up thinking "maybe?" But no. Seems nothing is really going on. I was able to schedule the growth scan tomorrow so I should have an estimate of the weight/size, and will make decisions from there about induction vs. hanging out and waiting some more.

I wanted to answer a few questions that have been asked in people's comments:

(1) Birth plan: it's funny, my friend is an OB and his wife is a labor and delivery nurse. They understand women's rights to come in with birth plans, but they DESPISE birth plans. They recommend that I go in and tell the nurse that my birth plan is "to have a healthy baby." Of course, I plan to print out Meg's c-section tips and bring it with me like a bible in case it's a c-section. ANYWAY, I plan to have my friend with me in the delivery room. She offered a long time ago. She is single and childless and therefore more available than some of my other friends/family who have kids and wouldn't be able to easily come in the middle of the night, or to stay all day, if necessary. I have another friend who I have known my whole life who will come up for the birth too. Then there is my sister-in-law who says she really wants to be there. And I have a male friend from out of town who wants to come in too. Not sure how this is all going to work. I'm allowed to have 2 people with me at a time, unless it's a c-section, in which case I can only have 1. I think it will all work out...I am going to try not to worry about the logistics, to just focus on me and baby, and let the rest work itself out.

(2) The trees on the wall are decals. You can stick them and then unstick them over and over. Very convenient! I got them from landofnoddotcom I think.

(3) The little wooden toys and stuff on the cubby shelf thing are things I have collected over the years. I did get a lot of it from moolkadotcom, a great little website with cool stuff.

(4) How will I let people know when I go into labor: hmmm, well, I guess that's hard to predict. If I'm home, I will try to put up a quick post. If I'm not, then I guess I'll post when I'm home from the hospital. Maybe I will know in advance (i.e., scheduled induction).

I guess that's it for now. I am off to work for what is one of the final days for a while. I think I'll try to work a few days early next week if possible. My boss told me to come in and get paid even if I don't do any work (isn't that nice?).

Have a nice day all.

Just Frustrated

2009-01-06T19:52:00.002-05:00

I am frustrated, and worried about how I'll be judged for that. Some women feel (and post) strongly about not rushing the baby...saying that women shouldn't want anything to happen before the due date, etc. Well, I'm frustrated. I had my 38w4d OB appointment today and was hoping for some progress beyond 1 cm of dilation. And there was none. "Maybe you are 1 1/2" she said. I thought all the pressure I've been feeling and the walking I've been doing might have helped things along a little more. Nope!

It's not that I'm being impatient, or that I can't stand being pregnant anymore or anything like that. I'm just worried that the longer things go, the larger this baby gets (I mean, can I really deliver a 9 pound baby?). As the baby gets larger, the more likely I will have to have a c-section. And to be honest, I'd rather not. Of course, I will have one if it is needed and I won't make a fuss. To me, the most important thing is birthing a healthy baby--in whatever way that happens. I'm just fixated on the not-being-able-to-hold-the-baby-right-away thing while my arms would be strapped down crucifixion style. (I remember having my arms strapped down right before I was knocked out for my myomectomy in January 2007, and I didn't like it!) So my friend--and not a husband, who would be as invested in this baby as I am--will hold the baby for who knows how long, yet I will have to wait. It feels off, and it makes me ache.

The OB said I should go BACK to the hospital later this week for a growth ultrasound (I was a bit miffed that she wouldn't/couldn't use the ultrasound machine in the office to estimate the size of the baby). We'll get an estimate of the baby's size, and go from there. She suggested we schedule a tentative induction for late next week, which would be about 2-3 days before my due date. She was sure to remind me that inductions leave you much more susceptible to having a c-section. "It's your choice...we can always wait to induce until after your due date."

How does one make this choice...to induce or not to induce? I feel screwed either way...if I induce, I'm more likely to have a c-section. If I wait until after my due date, I'm more likely to have a c-section. I guess I just should get used to the idea!!

I'm sure I'll get through all of this. But I'm just frustrated and a little lost right now.

Not much to report

2009-01-04T09:47:00.018-05:00

I feel like I have nothing to say! I'm basically just waiting for the show to start, and I know it will likely be another 2 weeks. Baby feels very high up in my belly yesterday and today...I may go out for a walk now and try to have gravity bring her a little lower. Maybe then I'll have less heartburn?

I'm going to try to make it to an SMC meeting today. Last time in the "pregnant" group. Weird.

Yesterday I did the last load of baby clothes laundry, and I worked with the carseat until I (kind of) understood it. Today I'd like to put the swing together. I have her "room"/area ready now...sad that it's not a real room, but there's not much one can do in an nyc apartment if you don't have a second bedroom. Her space is really the foyer, but it is not too, too small. I still feel guilty that it's not a "room" though :( Here are a couple of pictures...

One centimeter!

2008-12-29T20:20:00.002-05:00

I've been laying low...in a holding pattern...trying to become one with the challenges of the last few weeks...accepting that these physical issues (pressure, sleeplessness, painful walking, etc.) are "normal." And I'm doing okay! In fact, a lot of my nervousness and worry has magically transformed into excitement! Sure it's disconcerting when people at work see my belly and GASP, but it's all normal, right??? And it is for an excellent cause!!

I went to the OB tonight and she said my belly was measuring perfectly and I don't have to fear having a 15 lb baby (the other night I had that very dream). On top of that, I'm 1 cm dilated! A week ago I was not. She said this doesn't necessarily mean anything, except that it looks like things are starting to happen! Yes, it may still take weeks, but 1 cm feels like progress to me. So I'm going with that! She also said she could feel the baby's head and that it was "nice and low." Aww, she felt my baby's head!

Another change in the last week is that I am RAVENOUS pretty much most of the time. I have been pretty much food averse this entire pregnancy, and now I can't seem to get enough food at all times. I had to eat TWICE in the middle of the night last night. I gained 2 pounds since my last OB visit 6 days ago. I guess I'm allowed, but eating so much makes me feel even more huge and makes my belly feel even tighter.

So, I'm back to the holding pattern and just doing the best I can. I talk to my little peach a lot and let her know how happy I am that she's about to enter my life. I can't believe we've made it this far and that I get to meet her soon. Un-freaking-real. My guess is January 12th. Sounds like a good day to me!

T minus 8 more days of work....

Unsolicited Belly Shot

2008-12-17T20:04:00.002-05:00

Well, here's my 2-days-shy-of-36-weeks belly shot. I'm feeling pretty large and round these days, as you can see.

Bad habits now include sitting down with my legs wide open (like men do on the subway...SO annoying), and waddling instead of walking. People tell me I look very sad while I'm walking, and I'm sure that's because I feel like there is a bowling ball pressing down on my bladder. I sigh a lot, and need to sit--or at least lean on something--whenever possible.

(It's funny, I am sort of amazed when I look at this picture because I really never thought this would be me!)

I had the hospital tour yesterday. We got to see the labor & delivery rooms and the post-delivery rooms. They are all VERY small. I hope labor goes quickly or I will be claustrophobic. I'm told I can have Ativan as soon as the baby is born, which is a very nice thing. We also got to see some newborns in the little baby warmers in the nursery, and we saw a few being wheeled past us on the way to the nursery. I forgot how small they are. Little miracles, each one.

It was a bit tough being the only single girl on the tour amidst at least 7 couples. There have been a few times when being single on this journey stares me in the face, and this was clearly one of them. Most of the time I'm fine with it (even empowered by it), but it was just really hard to hear the tour guide referring to how important daddy's role is in the birth...how daddies should tell mommies how wonderful they are while going through labor and delivery...how daddies can hold and bond with babies if mom is in, say, post c-section recovery. It just sucked. I'm over it today, but was a bit raw last night and feeling very alone :(

My coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower at work this morning. My child clearly has a LOT more clothes than I do. I am really blessed. But I do think I have to dispose of the "Daddy's Little Girl" bib that someone gave me....

Final Ultrasound

2008-12-15T10:18:00.004-05:00

So this morning I went in for what I now believe is my last scheduled ultrasound at the hospital. We had to check the size of the baby and the size of her left kidney. Since they are monitoring both, I of course have been worried about both (who me, worry?).

Turns out baby girl is estimated at 6 lbs 5 oz, which is 65th percentile for a 35-weeker. So "a little bit bigger than normal." I am thrilled!! She is not the humongous baby that they have been predicting! I hope I will be able to deliver her normally!

As for the kidney, it is still measuring on the high end of NORMAL. The nice thing is, even though the baby has doubled in weight since they found the mildly enlarged kidney, the kidney has not grown at all. So it's not getting worse. The doctor said they will probably do an ultrasound after baby is born to look at the kidney, and may or may not give her antibiotics to avoid kidney infection. But "it is so mildly enlarged that they may do nothing." Nice!

I asked if I needed to come back for more monitoring and he said, "we could have you come back in 4 weeks, but you will probably have delivered by then." WOW. It's all becoming pretty real. I bought milk yesterday that had my due date as its expiration date. We're getting close!

I felt like I was walking on air as I left the place. There is something very nice about feeling that everything is probably okay!!

In other news, I went to a breastfeeding class at the hospital over the weekend. I was one of 2 single girls there, among about 6 couples. I thought I'd feel more weird or out of place, but I felt fine. As we were leaving, the other man-less woman said, "Thanks for not bringing your hubby so I wasn't the only one." I said "no problem" but wished I had added more....like "I haven't even met him yet" or something like that. That would probably have gotten me some interesting reactions!

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I just wanted to add a big thank you to my commenters from the last post. You guys are so nice and the support has really helped me through this process!!!

Thoughts about the Donor

2008-12-10T19:48:00.003-05:00

It's funny...the thoughts I've been having about the donor lately.

When I started this process, I wanted to find a donor with certain qualities that could potentially be passed down to my child. I wanted my child to know that he seemed like a good person for x, y, and z reasons. That he was someone with whom she could be proud to be genetically linked. That maybe she got such-and-such traits from him.

And he also has been this sort of grid sheet of blood type, medical history, genetic issues, etc. They've been sort of detached and clinical, my thoughts about the donor.

Clearly, he has always been a contributor to this process...a biological contributor. But more recently, I start to think about him as the man. The "biological father" of this child. And interesting to me is that I'm sort of sad for him that he is missing out on being a part of this wonderful little child's life.

I thought of this first on the morning of my baby shower....how this man doesn't even know that people were gathering that day to celebrate the coming of his genetic offspring. And now I think about how he doesn't have a clue that there's this little being growing...and that she probably looks like him and maybe will play an instrument or a sport like him...and how she hiccups and stretches her little legs out inside me.

Anyway, I just feel sorry for this guy out there who was kind enough to allow for me to have this little miracle, but who doesn't get to partake in any of the joy.

(I'm profoundly sad for the baby too, but that's a post for another day. Maybe.)

Birthing Class!

2008-12-07T13:52:00.003-05:00

I had my birthing class this morning! My friend (who is an OB) has a wife who has been an OB nurse for many years....and she offered to come over and give me and my birthing coach (my friend) all the info we need to get through the delivery. We went through labor, pain management, vag.inal delivery, and c-section stuff. We also talked about baby care, especially bathing (I had asked for some extra help there). She also brought me tons of samples (diapers, formula, etc. etc. etc.) which will be very helpful.

It was very informative and helpful to hear all about what to expect. My friend is telling me that we now know what we need to know, and I should try not to think about it too much. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but I feel good about it all!

I'm off to take a nap. Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

A Little Discouraged (and Disjointed)

2008-12-01T21:22:00.004-05:00

Wow...no way...Jess is a little discouraged. And disjointed. (You get the sarcasm, right?)

After being sick for 7 days, I continue to be stuffed up and coughing. Even though I'm still pretty icky, I do feel that spending the weekend resting DID help.

I went back to work today and did fine for the majority of the day, but started to feel really intense pain on my bladder as the work day was ending. I found it really hard to even walk from work to the subway and to make it home.

If it's like this now, how can I continue to work for 5 weeks and 4 more days (but who's counting?)? I'm scared that I won't be able to. Money and time off is an issue.

Speaking of money and time off, the freaking HR lady seems to be ducking me. I still don't know the details of my maternity leave package, and I'm getting MAD!!!

Ugh. Need to sleep.

By the way, the baby gets hiccups now at least 2 to 3 times per day. It is interesting entertainment for me!

Recent Comings and Goings

2008-11-27T04:30:00.003-05:00

I haven't written in a while....I'm in a holding pattern, trying to deal with my growing belly and hoping that things will go smoothly in the next 7 weeks.

Baby girl has less and less room to wriggle now, and tends to stttrrrreeetch more than anything...less of the spastic flipping and turning that she used to do. Her feet seem to be up right under my boobs for weeks now and she pushes out with them HARD at times. I push her back with my hand and then she pushes again. It's like this little game we play!

Some things that have gone on in the past couple of weeks:

I had jury duty Monday and Tuesday of this week. I was able to get out of being picked as a juror, and now I don't have to return for at least 4 years. I'm so happy to have that over with. Everyone told me to postpone, but I didn't want to get called in 3-6 months as they said they would do.
I've been sick with a chest cold, and long for a time when I can breathe freely again.
My friends threw me a shower last weekend and it was lovely. I was surrounded by the love of many friends, all of whom are so happy about this baby. I got so, so many great presents. This baby will want for nothing!!
People keep telling me I've never looked happier. Like I'm a different person from a year ago.
I never sleep anymore. Literally. I sleep maybe 3-4 hours per night and it's wearing me down.
I had a routine OB appointment the other day and loved the doctor I saw. I haven't gained any weight in the last month, and have gained about 8 pounds overall. Baby is measuring large still according to the ultrasounds, but the OB said my belly is measuring perfectly, so I try not to worry.
I really like 2 of the 4 doctors in the OB practice, and I get to meet the third in 2 weeks. The 4th doctor is a jackass, and I'm just praying he's not the one who does the delivery. But if he is, he is.
I signed up for a breastfeeding class and a hospital tour in the coming weeks.
My friend and I set up the baby crib the other day. The baby now has a "room"/space and it is adorable.
I seem to have outgrown my maternity jeans. This is disconcerting to me! My belly feels stretched to the limit, but I know I have 7 more weeks to go (yikes).
I got my hair cut fairly short (for me) and people tell me I "got the mom haircut"
I'm happy to say I'm feeling more at ease (and, dare I say, proud) about being a single mother. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm definitely getting there.

There's probably more stuff, but it's the middle of the night and my mind doesn't work so well these days. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!

And Suddenly..."Normal"

2008-11-17T19:46:00.003-05:00

I went into the ultrasound with a good attitude today. Okay, so my attitude worsened a bit while I waited FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF in the waiting room. But anyway, once I got in there, the magic began.

The ultrasound goop was warm.

The tech seemed competent (and nice!).

The first thing I saw was my little girl's profile with both her hands up in front of her chin, like she was praying..."mommy, please relax for once." I must say, this baby was precious.

Then little baby flexed her fingers back and forth and the tech was impressed with her "great muscle tone!"

Then nice tech lady took some body part measurements and told me the baby is weighing around 4 lbs 7 oz, which is in the 75th percentile for a 31-weeker. That is less scary than the 95th percentile measurement from three weeks ago. That is on the big (or as I like to say, "healthy") side, but is "normal."

And then, she measured the left kidney. First measurement was .8 cm, second measurement was 1.0 cm, and third measurement was .9 cm. Nice tech tells me that 1.0 cm or below is "normal" for a 31-weeker. NORMAL.

What??? NORMAL??? I didn't even know that was a possibility! Last time the doctor said this kidney issue "would not just go away." This time the doctor came in and said "come back in 4 weeks to confirm the NORMAL kidney."

What??

Well, I'm just basking in the fantastic news that there may actually be no problems with this left kidney. It makes me realize how weighed down I've been with worry about this kidney and any procedure my little girl would have to go through. I'm just thrilled with the possibility of NORMAL. I still have been crying all night, but this time it's happiness and relief and gratitude.

Big exhale....

Cry Baby

2008-11-16T20:37:00.004-05:00

I'm a blubbering woman today. My eyes fill up with tears all day long. Anything sets me off. I feel overly controlled by my wonderful hormones today.

My mom's friend had a shower for me today, inviting 9 of my mom's friends, one of my aunts, my sister-in-law and niece, and my friend and her daughter. Food was good (I ate two full plates), and they all got me gifts. There were some really great presents! And some of them are women that I don't really know very well! I HATE being the center of attention and was anxious all day, but I handled it.

They each gave me a card with "advice for the mom-to-be" (hey, that's me...the "mom-to-be"...still getting used to that). One said "The best gift you can give your child is a nap." That made me laugh. I can't even think about what my mom wrote or I'll start blubbering again.

I'm so overwhelmed with feelings. Gratitude. Amazement. Fear. Self-consciousness. Feeling like I don't deserve this. Excitement. Love. Awe. Wonder. (To name a few.)

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On another note, I have yet another ultrasound tomorrow to check the baby's kidney and the baby's size. I'm trying not to freak out. The last few ultrasounds have really shaken me up and I am going to do my best to remain calm tomorrow, no matter what they tell me.

Feeling Pretty Good

2008-11-06T13:41:00.002-05:00

Here I am, one day shy of 30 weeks. Kind of unbelievable to me!!

Baby doesn't seem to be pressing down as hard, or as often, as before and it is a relief!! I still feel like I have to pee constantly, but minus a lot of pressure. The issue now is the heartburn...I think the baby is up a little higher and pushing on something, and that is what is causing the waves of fire that hit from about 4:00pm until morning. Tums just isn't cuttin' it anymore either.

There are moments of sheer joy and awe about what is happening in my body. I still can't really believe it, and will only truly believe it once I see her and know she is real. Right now it feels like she is too good to be true.

Mostly she kind of stretches now...less kicks. But then there are times when she has these little fits--little wriggly outbursts that go on for maybe 15 seconds---like she can't get comfortable. I rub my belly and tell her it's okay, and she calms down immediately. It's surreal. I can't tell you how much I love it...feeling that connection to her.

This pregnancy has been such a journey so far with lots of highs and lows. I'm starting to get sad that it will be over within 10 weeks and that I will likely never be blessed enough to experience this again. But I still do have up to 10 more weeks of this, and little wriggling baby doesn't let me forget it (kick kick as I type).

I think I have the name. The name is what I had always thought it would be. But the problem is I'm not sure I love it. Do I need to LOVE it? Will I grow to love it? How does any mom ever know if it's the RIGHT name?

Kind of basking in the happiness and awe of it all today...just thought I'd share.

Pulling it Together

2008-10-29T19:50:00.003-04:00

I have to thank you ladies again for the support. It's amazing to feel supported and heard and understood. I really can't thank you enough.

I feel like I'm doing better today....

(1) I DO NOT have gestational diabetes. I went in for the glucose tolerance test yesterday (and the OB was so, so nice to me), and I got results this afternoon. I guess it's a big sigh of relief. I have a big baby growing, but not for any bad reason!

(2) The baby's kidney will be monitored. There's nothing I can do about it now aside from continued monitoring and thinking positive thoughts. I will clearly do anything and all that is necessary once she is born. So for now, that's that.

(3) I finally SLEPT last night and it felt really good.

(4) I'm going to do jury duty beginning on 11/24. Then I'll have it over with for, like, 6 years or something. My boss is fine with it. She told me to take it easy and enjoy being away from the office. I WILL, especially because I haven't taken more than 1 day off at a time since my IVF in April.

(5) My super installed my dimmer switches for the lights in my entryway and in the baby's "room"...(really it's the foyer, but it's going to be the baby girl's room for a while. I'm getting really excited about setting it up). I didn't think he'd do it so quickly!!! Yay!

So there is today in a nutshell. I'm going to go lie my big belly down. Lots of love to you my very nice readers.

Thanks

2008-10-28T19:11:00.002-04:00

Thank you, nice commenters, for all of the wonderfully supportive words. I'm still trying to figure this all out and to sort my feelings out, and your support helps immensely.

And for Anonymous:

"you need to stop whining and just be greatful for all you have. there are no less than a zillion people who would be thrilled to just be pregnant. Stop already"

To you, Anonymous, I'd like to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're going through whatever motivated that comment. I can only guess that you are struggling with infertility or know others who are, or are just generally bitter and/or self-reighteous. But that still does not give you permission to tell me how to feel or what to include in my own blog. This is MY journey, and you don't get to tell me how to take that journey or how I should feel about it. So, again, I get that you must be struggling and I'm sorry you are. But I'd prefer it if you would feel free to stop reading, and advertise your struggles in someone else's comments box. Thanks.

The Good and the Two Potentially Bad Things

2008-10-27T20:31:00.002-04:00

I'm just so tired of the worrying. And of learning new things to worry about. It all makes me feel like it's just too much for me and that I bit off more than I can chew. I've always felt pretty strong and self sufficient, but I feel repeatedly tested by this pregnancy.

So, first, the GOOD: I went for an ultrasound today to see how the partial placenta previa was doing. Hooray, the placenta moved out of the way of the cervix. No more previa. Thank God.

Then, the tech did a growth scan...measuring the head, the stomach, the limbs, etc. Each measurement was at least 31 weeks. I told her I noticed that the size looked big and she said "the doctor will talk to you about all of that."

Increasingly-more-annoying tech lady then stopped on the baby's kidneys. She measured them over and over, particularly the left one. After several minutes of this, I asked if something was wrong. "The left one looks enlarged...but the doctor will talk to you about all of that."

I promptly felt the tears streaming down my face. I literally couldn't stop crying for a good 10 minutes. Tech lady began to plead with me to stop crying...."the doctor will talk to you about all of that." I told her I was worried and confused and that I wished she would tell me what was going on.

After about 10 minutes, the doctor came in to talk to me about all of that.

First, yay, no more previa.

Second, yes the baby seems to be measuring quite large. 28 week old fetuses are supposed to be 2.2 pounds, and mine is estimated at 3.5 pounds. She told me to move my glucose tolerance test up asap, suggesting she thinks I might have gestational diabetes. The tears were falling again.

Third, the baby's left kidney is "mildly enlarged"...there is some problem with it that makes it hold urine longer than it should. She said the kidney tissue looks fine, but the part that collects the urine may have some problem. By this point I was really crying again. I wanted so desperately to hold it together so I could think intelligently and ask the right questions. What are the right f*ing questions??

She said it's not a huge problem. Said that the baby will likely have to have antibiotics at birth to ward off urinary infection. And that the worst case scenario would be that the baby has to have some "procedure" about 2-3 months after birth. I'm crying again.

So I have to go back AGAIN for ANOTHER ultrasound in 4 weeks. I made the appointment for Monday 11/24 with tears continuing to spill out of my eyes. Then I got home and got a summons in the mail to appear for jury duty on...you guessed it...Monday 11/24. I have to change the ultrasound appointment I guess.

So I'm just kind of lost. Feel like I'm drowning in all this. Like it's too much for me. That I never should have done all this alone because I clearly can't handle it.

Signed,
The girl who feels very sorry for herself at the moment

Scary

2008-10-25T21:00:00.002-04:00

When I woke up this morning, I realized I hadn't felt the baby move at all during the night (she is usually like a wild animal for at least part of the night). No movement in the morning. A few gentle kicks into the afternoon. This is not normal as she usually makes her presence very well known through much of the day. I was lying down from about 1:00-2:00 (my inactive time usually wakes her up) and still felt nothing.

Idiot me decided to goog.le something about decreased fetal movement at 28 weeks. The first thing I saw said "fetuses don't die quickly" -- that things can be done if something is wrong -- and that it is a shame that only 50% of women who feel decreased movement call their doctor. HOW ALARMING IS THAT?? (Note to self: disable internet when worried about something.)

So I decided to call the doctor. He told me to go to the hospital.

I had some moments of panic, but then had to swing into action...which meant taking a quick shower and shaving my legs for the first time in weeks. While in the shower, thoughts of having to have an emergency c-section swirled in my head. What if today would be the birthday? I am not prepared. What would I need to bring with me? My cell phone charger? A camera? On top of these stresses, of course I know it's way too early to have this baby. I tried to pull it together and went to the hospital.

Got to the labor and delivery floor and burst into tears at the front desk. They were so, so very nice to me. They took me right into triage and immediately started to look for the heartbeat. And there it was....strong and steady. Tears streamed down my face, which was already red and puffy from crying at the front desk.

Then a doctor came in (with 2 medical students) and they did an ultrasound. And there she was, chubby legs and all. We saw her kicking, but I couldn't feel some of the kicks. They said maybe she had moved to a place that made it harder for me to feel her.

They looked at whether or not she was taking "practice breaths" in there, and saw that she was--saw her little diaphragm moving in and out. The doctor said she was not at all worried because "only very healthy fetuses" take those practice breaths. "Baby's first A+" said one of the med students.

After about 1 1/2 hours of monitoring, they sent me home.

I'm very, VERY relieved, but still--hours later--I am having trouble winding down. God, it was terrifying to have this baby's life flash before me and to think that something might be very wrong. Ugh...this must get easier...

Numbers

2008-10-24T13:18:00.004-04:00

THIRTEEN: Number of days since I last posted

TWELVE: Number of weeks until my due date

FIVE AND A HALF: Number of hours of sleep I got last night

TEN OR MORE: Number of times I hit the snooze button this morning (it's so funny...the baby moves every time it goes off)

MORE THAN I'D LIKE TO SHARE: Number of times every hour that I worry (without much credible evidence) that I will go into premature labor and lose this baby. I have been having weird pressure pains when I walk (and only when I walk) in the last day or more...like on and off pressure and a need to pee...what's that about...

ABOUT THREE: Number of minutes it just took me to wolf down a turkey cheeseburger

ONE: Number of additional burgers I could eat right now

SEVEN: Number of days since I received return emails from the mothers of my daughter's two half-siblings. I feel like I need a break from the correspondence at this moment.

THREE: Number of sleeps until I have my placenta previa ultrasound check

NUMEROUS: Number of times per hour that I wish I were home in bed with my body pillow between my knees watching reruns of Entourage (body pillow really helps the back and the hip pain)

THREE: Number of Tums that it usually takes to get rid of heartburn

SEVEN: Number of varieties of herbal tea that I have sitting on my desk here at work (and, for what it's worth, I think they are major contributors to the heartburn)

NINETY: Percentage of days that I fail to drink as much water as I'm supposed to. Also percentage of time that I feel that I'm already a bad mother because of that.

EIGHTEEN: Number of things on my list of things to do for this weekend

ONE HUNDRED: Percent of the time that I feel like I have to pee

SIX: Number of flights of stairs I have to climb up every morning to get from the subway to the street

AT LEAST FIVE: Number of minutes it takes me to recover from the stair climbing

MANY: Number of times per day that I pray that the baby and I will be okay

Notion of "Family" Changes Again...

2008-10-11T12:17:00.003-04:00

I've let some stuff lapse during this pregnancy. Not really anything super important, but some things have been a little ignored (e.g., dusting in my apartment, cleaning the bathroom ceiling, etc.). Another such thing that has lapsed is my membership to the D.onor Si.bling Reg.istry.

I used to log on periodically and would always find that no one had posted under my donor's number. Several months have passed, and I just renewed my membership. I logged on Thursday night and THERE WERE TWO HALF BROTHERS listed for my daughter.

I have to say, my reaction was shock and fear and I couldn't sleep well (no way) worrying about what this all meant. There are at least two babies out there who are biologically related to my daughter, and I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANY OF IT. And I CHOSE to do it this way.

Despite my reactions, I emailed both of the mothers. Just a quick hello. They both listed on their post that they were SMCs. I thought that was pretty cool.

Well, yesterday I got emails back from both of them. They both seemed SO NICE. I just wrote back to both of them. I am getting used to this idea, and it is feeling okay. In some ways, I think it's kind of cool actually. (I DO worry that there will be dozens and dozens of other half siblings in the future...that is very weird to me.) One step at a time.

Interesting: both moms said their sons have milk allergies, something that they believe must have come from the donor. Does anyone know anything about this? I have asked them for more details.

So the notion of "family" for my little family changes again. And at this point, I kind of feel like I'm rolling with the punches. We'll see how that goes.

Honor

2008-10-08T07:37:00.003-04:00

Thank you all for your comments of support yesterday (as always!). Yesterday was a very hard day at work. I cry at bad tv commercials, so you can imagine how I've been about my friend. We have started telling patients about her death. It is just very, very hard to correct a little child who asks, "Where's Angie? Did she break her leg or something?" with "No, she actually got sick and died yesterday."

I organized a staff meeting so we could all sit together to (1) figure out how to tell and deal with patients, and (2) process some of our thoughts about this big shock. (I was disappointed that our director did not organize, or even suggest, a meeting...but I guess she's dealing with her own stuff about this.) At the meeting, a staff member said he found a lot of poems in her "My Documents" folder on her computer, and that they were all poems about lost love, not experiencing what you want in life, having regret, etc. Angie had found some on the internet and had written some of them. He read one aloud that ended with something like, "You are born into this world with everyone around you smiling; you are lucky if you die with everyone around you crying." We were all sobbing.

I got to thinking about how Angie was so happy for me to be pregnant, and so sad that she might never get to experience it. And now she won't. Her life was cut way too short and she missed out on many, many things that she wanted to experience. It makes me profoundly sad.

I don't want that to happen to me (or to anyone). I couldn't wait around and watch my chance to be a mother slip away. I had to take control and am grateful that I had the opportunity and the means to take this journey to find motherhood. I am very happy that I won't have the regret of never trying to realize this dream. There's no shame in that.

I think that the resolution of my shame will come from finding honor in the life I have created and the way I have created it. I am starving for this honor. I want to seek it out at every corner instead of running from the possibility.

I'll get there.

I Will Miss You

2008-10-06T19:38:00.004-04:00

My coworker died today.

She got sick very suddenly 2 weeks ago in the middle of the afternoon, and we took her to the emergency room (we work in a hospital). She has been in ICU ever since. Last week she seemed to be getting better.

This morning, she was pronounced brain dead, and this afternoon her heart stopped. They still don't really know what was wrong with her. She was 32.

This day feels like a dream. I was joking around with her at work 2 weeks ago, and now I will be going to her viewing in the coming days. I can't understand this or why things like this can happen.

I will miss you Angie.

Weeping Willow

2008-10-02T19:34:00.003-04:00

Yup that's me. I have been weepy for a good hour or so. No good reason really.

I just got home from OB appointment. I wish I loved my OB. She's fine, don't get me wrong, but I just don't love her. I guess I don't have to love her. Just wish I did.

She said things are fine. My uterus seems to be measuring the rights size when she pushes on my belly, and the heartbeat is "perfect." I feel movement every day. I gained 6 pounds and am now up to about 5 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. I guess that's fine. I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow.

I have to drink the liquid evil that is the "glucose soda" before my next appointment in 4 weeks. The glucose tolerance/diabetes test. Something new to worry about.

I have to go back in 3 1/2 weeks for a placenta check to see if the partial previa has resolved. The OB says "don't worry about it because it is totally out of your control and worrying does you no good." True, but I wished she had reassured me a little...like "these things usually go away on their own." I told her I'm not so concerned about a possible c-section should the previa not resolve, but I'm more worried about premature labor and delivery and losing this baby.

"It's taken me a lot of time and so much emotional energy to get here"...I just wanted to scream it out and have her tell me it would all be okay.

(Weeping again. Gotta love these hormones.)

Then I had to do some scheduling and stuff with the TOTALLY INCOMPETENT woman at the reception desk. I just felt tortured by her incompetence, so much so that I kind of started to get weepy right there. Pretty pathetic.

I couldn't help thinking that I would have liked to have a husband with me today. Someone to talk to me and get my mind off my worries and my irrational thoughts. Some of my friends dealing with IF have recently said that they don't know how I've done all this by myself ("I couldn't have gone throught this without my husband by my side at every ultrasound and every appointment...."). They mean well, but I kind of feel like SHUT UP, thanks for reminding me of how hard it is to be alone.

Whatever. I need to eat.

Disjointed Friday thoughts

2008-09-26T09:24:00.004-04:00

It's a dreary, wet, dark Friday morning in good old NYC. I am a fool for coming to work today and should be in bed asleep. I was up until after midnight last night playing poker with some friends....fun, but I'm totally sleep deprived.

I'm amazed to learn that some of my friends are struggling with IF. In the past 2 days I have learned of two who are working with REs cycle after cycle. It is just horrible and my heart breaks for them and what they are going through...because I know the pain. They both begin their conversations with me with "Please don't tell anyone..." or "No one else knows this..." I wish this stuff didn't have to be so hidden. Once they tell me their stories, they feel so much better to know that I can relate and understand the "living hell" (that's what my friend called it last night) of repeated failed cycles. It's this thing that causes so much pain and that becomes all-consuming, but people don't really talk about it. I feel so fortunate to have this forum and this dialogue with you great women. I'm really lucky.

Speaking of lucky, I must say, I've been feeling much better lately about all the shame stuff. I still struggle, but am able to find more happiness and even pride in my choice. Thinking and writing has helped a lot. Thoughts are still percolating about a post called "Shame: The Resolution"...a work still in progress.

My final thought for the day is that I am 24 weeks pregnant today, and still NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON has offered me their seat on the nyc subway. I ride the train at least twice a day. Most days I look visibly pregnant (depending on what I wear). People sit down before me, look at my belly, and then avoid eye contact with me for the rest of the ride. I'm sort of amazed that no one offers to get up. Not even sure I'd take the seat, but it would be nice to have the option.

Shame: The Relationship Stuff

2008-09-17T19:45:00.004-04:00

I didn't sleep well last night. Mostly because I worried that I might have offended any single readers by what I wrote yesterday. This was not my intention at all. I'm just trying to work through my own crap.

In the middle of the night, I was thinking about what I had written. I really think that my shame centers around being single, not around being a single mother. See, for me, relationships have been a doozy. I had a very bad experience years ago, and the scars still run deeply. To summarize briefly, I gave it all to him...my heart, my loyalty, my trust, and even my money...and he paid me back by making me second best to his old girlfriend. And then after I had the strength to break up with him, he raped me.

I didn't talk about it for years. Still do not talk about it to really anyone.

I worked on getting through that for 6 years in therapy. It was hard. I learned a lot about myself and about him. But I still haven't been able to move past it enough to find any lasting romantic relationship since. And when I think about it, I'm freaking mad. He took away my ability to trust my own judgment and to find happiness with a man. And for some reason, no matter how long I've worked to correct this, I still blame myself. Blame myself that it happened/that I let it happen. Blame myself that I'm still scarred by it. Blame myself for being single.

And therein lies the shame.

So saying I'll be a single mother is not the problem. It's the single part that brings me shame and makes me feel like a failure.

The mother part is actually glorious....

I'm glad to realize that.

Shame, Part II

2008-09-16T19:23:00.010-04:00

Okay, right, so "what in the world am I ashamed of?"

Well, this is the question that's been on my mind these days. I know I FEEL it, but can't put my finger on what causes it. I'm a "need to know why" kind of girl. So, maybe knowing more about shame itself will help me figure out where mine is coming from.

The dictionary I have at home defines shame: "a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace."

Hmmm. Familiar feelings. (But why?)

Then there's my psychology dictionary's definition of shame: "an emotional state produced by the awareness that one has acted dishonorably or ridiculously. The term is usually reserved for situations in which one's actions are publicly known or exposed to real or potential ridicule. Distinguish from guilt."

So, guilt: "an emotional state produced by the knowledge that one has violated moral standards....[blah blah blah]....it is not the simple fear of punishment from external sources -- guilt is, in a sense, a form of self-administered punishment. Distinguish from shame, where knowledge of the transgression by others is part of the concept."

Someone once told me guilt is "I feel bad" but shame is "I am bad."

What I get from this is that it seems to be the experience of these rough feelings that come from knowing that you have done something "dishonorable" and that this "dishonorable" thing will be exposed to, and known by, others.

This leads me to the "dishonorable" thing. What do I, deep down, consider to be "dishonorable" about.....

........having a baby? Nothing at all!

........having a baby on my own? Well, I deprive my daughter of having a father in her life. But otherwise, I feel fairly good about taking this on and about providing my daughter with the model that you can do what you want in this life if you want it badly enough. And that she was a choice--not a mistake or an oops--but a wanted, well sought-after choice.

........having a baby whose biological father is an anonymous sperm donor? Here's where the shame comes in. Doing it this way prevents my daughter from knowing who half of her genetics comes from, and of knowing her whole other side of the family. It will likely cause her to have to answer questions in her future. It was MY choice, not hers. A selfish choice. I wanted her, but maybe she wouldn't have wanted to be born into the world this way. And maybe I'm bad because I've done this to her.

And another part of this is that I feel that this whole thing is just a representation of my failure to achieve the dream...to connect with a great man and make a baby with him...that I'm not good enough to have the dream--the whole package. And my un-whole package is all that my daughter will get to experience. And that others will see this, think I'm a bad mother who has relational issues, and think I'm just a bad person overall. (Wow, healthy, huh?)

And I hate to say it, but I do feel bad about straying from tradition. Being different. Making a different choice. Why? In many ways, I have always enjoyed being unique and even "weird." But not here I guess. I care what other people think about this...

I know my shame will negatively affect my daughter, and that only brings more guilt and more shame. This self-punishment must stop. But how?

Let me add that I am in no way ashamed of, or making any judgments about, other women who are becoming mothers this same way. For some reason, I can see the strength and beauty in it for others, but less for myself (which leads me to the "what's so wrong with me" question).

Clearly, I have more thinking to do. I feel like this writing stuff is helping me already. I need to move towards resolution.

More to come.

Shame, Part 1

2008-09-14T10:17:00.003-04:00

I am a child psychologist. I work in a chaotic city hospital with kids and families who come to see me for therapy once a week or once every other week. I devote most of my awake time to helping children and families to find ways to make things work better, to feel better, to lead happier and less pained lives.

Once a week we have guest speakers come and speak to the entire psychiatry department about a variety of topics. They are often psychiatrists (who prescribe medications, which I, as a psychologist, do not and cannot), so we often have to endure hearing about medicines that treat such and such disorder....often not really applicable to my work.

This past Tuesday was another such day....Dr. Whoever, M.D. came in to speak. But this time, it was an M.D. who was not speaking about pharmaceuticals. She was this older women, probably at least in her late 70s. A soft-spoken grandmother type with seemingly a lifetime of experience. Her tone was soothing, even caring. She was speaking about a personality disorder, and discussed how she felt that what was underlying this disorder was SHAME.

She spoke a lot about shame. She looked at how many adults with this disorder had experienced things in childhood (mostly related to interactions with mother) that caused feelings of shame early on in life. And how this shame, if not resolved or coped with, can contribute to more and more problems for the person as they grow.

She spoke of shame as not just a feeling, not just an emotion, but also something with involuntary (?) bodily symptoms too. When shamed, you want to turn away. To hide your face. Like the teenage girl who grows her bangs really long to avoid having to face people and look them in the eye. Your face can turn red. You might just hang your head.

My face felt somewhat flushed as she spoke about these feelings and reactions because I KNOW them. Her talk had me riveted, if not somewhat nervous. Aha. This is what I've been feeling. I thought of my Scarlet Letter post where I had written about feeling weighed down by wearing the scarlet S for SHAME. And I was right...although I didn't realize how right I was when I wrote it.

At the end of the day, a psychiatrist with whom I work closely, and who, coincidentally, also is an older woman, came to my office to discuss a patient with me. (To backtrack, I told her I was pregnant about a month ago and she was thrilled for me. I remember being nervous telling her because she seems to be quite the conservative, and because she had asked me months before that if I had a husband...so I knew that SHE knew I was single.) So on this past Tuesday afternoon, after we had talked about the patient, she stood up...walked closer to me....stood over me...and said, "So the father. Who is he?"

I didn't look away. Forced myself to not break eye contact for even a second, no matter how much I wanted to. I felt my face getting red and heavy. I wanted to run away and avoid this conversation. Thoughts about shame and all I had heard from Dr. Whoever that morning were ringing in my head. Yup, here was this shame thing she was talking about.

I answered her, and I think I did a good job. And she responded well. But I was still tormented. As I type this, tears fall from my eyes and I stop typing to cover my face with my hands.

When I got home I talked to my mother, who has been a champion in every way throughout this pregnancy. I told her basically all that I have just written above and her reaction was genuine confusion. God bless her, she asked me the question that has been on my mind since:

"What in the world are you ashamed of?"

More soon.

Putting it off

2008-09-13T10:16:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about a post, or even a series of posts, about shame. It seems to be the thing I've been struggling with most. I'm still not clear on what to write or how to write it, so I put it off. I've thought of using some writing to actually try to figure this stuff out...not sure I'm ready to face it yet. Therefore, the delay in posting. Or maybe I'm feeling better about it. Unclear.

I'm 22 weeks and still going. Things are going fine, I'm happy to say.

I'll write more later, I suspect.

Things about today

2008-09-04T21:54:00.003-04:00

CRAPPY THINGS:

(1) I found out today that my job gives me basically no maternity leave benefits, aside from 12 weeks off without pay. I can't take any more than 12 weeks. The thought of leaving my little baby that young literally makes me sob. I think I am resolved to leaving this job on Jan 1st and exploring other options.

(2) Diarrhea. All day. wtf?

(3) As is a fairly normal routine (sadly), I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep. The lack of sleep is killing me...not only physically....I'm feeling really frustrated and sad that I can't seem to sleep as much as I need to.

(4) Got a voicemail from the OB from hell--the one in the practice that I don't like. He told me to call the office. Turns out, I had a regular appointment there today. He saw me in the waiting room and told me "we got the results from your ultrasound...placenta previa...that means you are at risk for bleeding, which is bad....no exercise...no intercourse" (this all said IN THE WAITING ROOM in front of other patients...again wtf?). So, now I worry about bleeding. When does the worrying end???

(5) Low level nausea all day, likely from the stress related to (1) - (4). Plus, maybe I ate some bad chicken. I just gagged. Literally.

(6) Speaking of gagging, I just bought new toothpaste and it literally tastes HORRIBLE. I have gagged big time both times I've used it. I forgot to get different toothpaste on the way home tonight :(

HAPPY THINGS:

(1) I got the baby book I ordered in the mail. It is made by Tessera and I found it on the babysakes.com website. You can order special pages to use if you are a single mom, which I appreciated. I really like it and can't wait to start writing in it!! Maybe tomorrow.

(2) Heard the baby's heartbeat on the doppler at the OB appointment. She said it sounded "perfect" - a word I will never tire of hearing when it has anything to do with this pregnancy.

(3) The thought that I might, just might, call in sick tomorrow, or at least go in late....

(4) Happy thoughts about my upcoming baby shower that my friends are throwing in a few months.

(5) New season of Entourage starting this weekend. I am very addicted to this show, and reruns are more than partially responsible for getting me through the roughness of the IVF and of the endless nausea during this pregnancy.

20w4d ultrasound

2008-09-02T19:04:00.003-04:00

I saw my little 13 ounce baby girl today on ultrasound. She is continuing to measure on schedule, has all her parts, and is "still a girl" (the ultrasound tech pointed out her "private parts"...I was surprised she didn't use the anatomical words, but whatever).

The baby was again VERY active--moving all around--even looked like she was thrashing and throwing her head back at certain points (I didn't like that). Maybe she doesn't like ultrasounds? I just wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her to calm down and that everything is going to be okay.

The tech got a nice shot of the baby's profile at one point and my eyes filled with tears because I swear this baby looks just like my mother!!

The only down part of the experience was that the tech said there was something wonky with my cervix...and she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to look more closely. Those things used to be old hat to me, but I haven't had one in maybe 10 weeks. Let's just say she wasn't as ... gentle as my RE used to be or maybe didn't apply enough of the gel stuff to the wand from hell. Not pleasant. She looked around for a good 5 minutes...taking measurements...and saying nothing. Needless to say, I started to worry. Big time.

Anyway, the doctor came in and told me that the baby is totally fine, but my placenta is partially covering my cervix. She said with 95% of women, the placenta moves away in time. She wants me to come back in 8 weeks to see if it moved. If it doesn't move, I will have to have a c-section.

It will probably be fine, and it's really nothing to worry about, but those few minutes of WORRY reminded me what WORRY feels like. I'm trying to stop and to just remind myself that all is okay. So I look at the ultrasound pictures a lot. Here she is, looking just like her Granny:

Almost halfway there

2008-08-27T12:45:00.004-04:00

I can't believe that in 2 days I will be at the halfway point of this pregnancy. I will be able to start counting down until I get to meet my daughter. The second half should be pretty exciting because I will get to start feeling her move (nothing yet other than what I think are sporadic little kicks) and will see my belly growing even more.

As for belly growth, I'd say it's starting to happen. It really depends what I wear...some days I look pregnant and other days not really at all. My belly is round and feels really hard when you touch it. My skirts don't fit me and have to be pulled up way above my belly button or else I can't zip them. Only 2 pair of my pants fit me. I really need to do some shopping soon...hoping to make it few a few more weeks of warmer weather and to then buy some maternity clothes for fall and winter.

I found a blouse in my closet this morning that I bought several years ago. I remember wearing it once back then and thinking how much it looked like a maternity shirt. I decided to save it and not wear it again until I was pregnant. I'm wearing it today and am loving how it gives me a little belly. How I finally HAVE a little belly to fill the shirt out.

I rub my belly when I'm home and lying down and think about what she's doing in there...and all that her life has in store for her. And I worry about whether or not I'll be able to be the good mom that I have always dreamed of being. I wonder if she will be happy in life. If she will find love. If she will be shy or outgoing. I talk to her a lot about names and wonder what kind of name will suit her best. Who will she be? Will she be anything like me? Who will she look like? I get to see her again next week at the 20 week ultrasound. The 16 week pictures were cute and I could really see her big cheeks and puckered up lips. Amazing.

I have momentary freak outs about the delivery, but then I put those thoughts away because it is still so far off in the future. And by that point I'll know I'm just about to meet her.

Now, if only this damned nausea would go away for good....

A Scarlet Letter

2008-08-18T13:05:00.002-04:00

I realize my posts are usually quite negative, so I thought I'd start with some positives...

(1) I had the week off from work last week and really enjoyed the free time. I got to do some fun stuff with my parents, with my friends, and also with my brother and his family. I feel really refreshed and so happy to have had the break. (Note to self: remember to take more time off.)

(2) I'm hoping my nausea is gone for good. I have been feeling much more normal since the vacation started!! yeah :) This even means I don't hate eating as much as I used to...and I actually like some foods sometimes. Like this perfectly ripe mango I'm eating right now, for instance.

(3) I actually pretty much slept through the night 6 out of the past 7 nights!! This is HUGE!!! I had been waking up at 2:00 or 3:00 and was not able to fall back to sleep. Wow, sleeping 7 or 8 hours a night makes SUCH a huge difference.

(4) I still fit in all my clothes. This is a nice thing, I suppose. What the hell am I going to do when they suddenly don't fit anymore? I need to shop, for sure.

(5) I have had a few bonding moments with my mother in the past months that have been so profound to me, all about pregnancy and motherhood. She has been truly inspiring and so caring and loving, and I just drink it all in. She has been such a rock for me throughout this pregnancy. She says the right things to help me, even when she might not totally 100% believe them herself, I suspect. It has been the most beautiful part of this pregnancy for me so far.

(6) My 2 year old niece asked if she could touch my belly yesterday, saying "I want to touch the baby...that's my cousin in your belly." (Pretty precocious for a 2 year old, no?)

So, wow, that's a lot of good stuff. I'm glad I listed them because it helps me remember that my life is not totally negative. I know the negative points hold more weight for some reason...when a bad thing happens or a bad thought comes to me, I lose sight of the (many) good, even great, things. Even thinking about and listing those things takes the sting away from what I thought was the point of my post....the scarlet letter I felt I was wearing yesterday.

I spent the weekend with my brother, his wife, and their two kids...who are the most adorable things in the world (they really are). We went to their lake house and spent some time at their country club. I guarantee I was the only pregnant single woman at "the club" (and also the only one with any excess body fat!). I worried that my little hint of a belly, which is really viewable ONLY by me in reality, was embarrassing to my brother and sister-in-law and their perfect appearance. So I stayed covered. Covered by big t shirts, and also by shame.

And then my SIL's friend came over for dinner with her perfect husband and their 2 year old son. They said "congratulations" to me when they entered, so I knew they had heard about the pregnancy, but it was not mentioned again in the many hours that followed. I don't know what they were told or how they understood it. I felt really uncomfortable and, again, ashamed. What did they think of me and my daughter?

(Why do I care?)

Later my mom's words, "HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH" echoed in my head, but it was too late, because I was already slumped over, feeling the weight of the scarlet S I felt I was walking around with. S for "SINGLE." S for "SPERM DONOR USED." S for "SCARED." S for "SHAME."

I need to rip that S off, or find some better S words to describe this pregnancy that I am lucky enough to experience.

All is well

2008-08-04T17:18:00.004-04:00

She's measuring on schedule with average weight and heart rate. All of her parts are there. All is well with the world.

I'll shut up now.

Just for me

2008-08-04T12:49:00.002-04:00

This post is just for me...my own personal little rant....my own need to put words to my free-floating anxiety. It might sound ridiculous to any readers, and I can imagine some "just shut up already" thoughts from anyone who happens upon this post. So, you don't have to read this. Really, it's more that I JUST NEED TO WRITE IT.

I am really terrified at the moment. I have not had an ultrasound in 4 weeks and I feel like I don't know what's going on. No baby movement. No belly. I'm 4 months pregnant, but you'd never know it. What if it ended? What if I go to my ultrasound today and they have to tell me, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." How would they even say that? How long would they look for it? What would I do when they told me that? How would I get myself home? Tell my friends and family? How would I be able to move forward?

My heart is pounding with all these negative thoughts.

Why am I losing weight? Why don't I look pregnant? Why have I allowed myself to attach some happiness to this pregnancy....I've always known it's risky to allow myself to believe in the good stuff. Because the risk is to have it all come crashing down. No safety net here.

And then I think of all the things I might have done that would have stopped her little heart from beating....not eating enough vegetables....taking anti-biotics for my cyst....not sleeping enough....being too stressed....not deserving this...

I wish I could turn my brain off.

The news is shared

2008-07-31T16:46:00.003-04:00

So I had this list of people who I hadn't told yet about my pregnancy. I've told most people in my life so far (friends, family, etc.), but there were some I hadn't gotten around to telling for one reason or another. In the past few days I've crossed off everyone from my list except one. My aunt.

Everyone so far has been happy and supportive. I do get some initial "wait, is this GOOD news?" from some people who know I'm single and who don't know I've been trying to become a mom. But once they hear my answer of "YES" they are very happy for me. (But it does suck to get that initial reaction.)

Today I got up the courage to tell my aunt. She is extremely conservative and religious and judgmental, and I was worried she would shame me, or worse, would curse and damn my child. Well, it went really well. She was more supportive and happy about it than I could have imagined. It's just such a relief. She even said a prayer with me on the phone and it was all positive and good. I'm still amazed it went so well, and I am cynically waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In other news, the nausea still comes and goes, but mostly I've been feeling pretty good. I am still pretty food-averse and wonder if I will ever like food again. I used to LOVE food. It's kind of like losing a good friend. But I have a hunch the relationship will be back on soon.

I am 16 weeks tomorrow, and still have no appreciable belly--at least, none bigger than my pre-pregnancy belly. On days like today when I feel good and have no belly, I sometimes forget I'm pregnant. Or I can't believe I'm pregnant. Did the last 4 months really happen???

YAY!!! GOOD NEWS!!!

2008-07-22T16:16:00.002-04:00

Hooray!! Blood test is back, and the donor is NOT a carrier for SMA. This means the baby does not have it. This is the biggest sigh of relief I've had in many months. Yes....

In Dr. Mean-OB news, I just got a letter from my insurance company saying that effective next month he no longer accepts my insurance. This gives me an easy excuse to say I no longer want him involved in my treatment. But you women have empowered me so, and I am GOING to tell my doctor at the next appointment what I thought of the mean guy...and that I DO NOT want him involved anymore for that reason.

Thanks so much for the support, ladies!!

Pain in my butt

2008-07-18T18:43:00.004-04:00

Yes, the cyst is still bothering me, but it's better today. I saw a surgeon who was soooo nice. I was amazed how taken aback I was by his niceness. For a moment, I even thought he might be inappropriately nice. Then I realized, the OB I've been seeing is SUCH A JACK that I'm not used to being treated nicely. (More on the OB in a second.) The surgeon guy was positive and helpful and even said he'd be on call for the weekend if the cyst flares up and gets worse. He told me to "not worry" and that the antibiotics I'm taking should take care of this thing.

Okay, so onto the other pain the butt....the OB. My real OB (who I only met once, before I was even pregnant) is on maternity leave. So, I've ended up seeing one of her partners for my last 3 visits. He is also the one who informed me about my being an SMA carrier...and as I've posted before I think, he was unnecessarily alarmist. He made a negative donor comment at my last office visit (something like, "well, you never know with donors...") and required me to do more blood testing. I can't help but wonder if his seemingly negative attitude about the way I've conceived is affecting the way he treats me....or maybe he's just an ass with everyone? He was really mean to me on the phone this week when I called and asked for help re: this cyst...I needed to know what meds were "safe," etc. I then asked if he would call in the prescription, and he said:

"Look. They just pulled me out of the exam room with a patient so I could talk to you. I have things to do. I will call the prescription in, but you'll have to wait."

I swear, I'm always nice to him. I sort of will him to be nice to me. But he's just mean. He's the kind of guy who does maybe a 7 second ultrasound and doesn't even say ANYTHING like "things look good." Never anything positive. The kind of guy who humiliated the receptionist at the front desk right in front of me. The kind of guy who makes reference to my "husband" even after I tell him I don't have one. The kind of guy with one foot out the door, who acts put out if I ask him a question. NOT the kind of guy I want delivering my baby.

Needless to say, my next appointment is with my real OB, who will be returning from maternity leave. I wonder if it's inappropriate for me to tell her that I DON'T want the other guy to be involved in my treatment anymore.

I'm 14 weeks today. I can't believe that.

It's been a while...

2008-07-17T12:11:00.002-04:00

I guess I've been laying low. I'm waiting waiting waiting for the genetic (SMA) results from the donor (should be in by Monday or Tuesday of next week, if not today or tomorrow). If I let myself think about it and the possibility of bad news, I move down to the dark place....so I try to focus on the good stuff. Here's some of it:

Let's see. The biggest thing is that the nausea has been better for the past SIX DAYS. That's the longest I've gone feeling "okay" in months. Food is not as disgusting to me, and I don't eat it as tentatively as before. In fact, I wake up at least once in the middle of the night with THE NEED TO FEED. I eat like a wild animal. Don't get me wrong...I'm still a bit queasy sometimes on and off, but it's a WORLD of difference. (I'm afraid to write that...hoping I won't have to eat those words.)

What else is good....well, my "definitive" CVS results were normal in terms of chromosomal issues. And it's still a girl. I'm really excited about it being a girl! I was totally and completely convinced that it was a boy, and was so excited to hear I was wrong.

Also, I'm NOT a carrier for Tay-Sachs so the baby can't have it even if the donor is a carrier. Still waiting to hear about Fragile X. Why did I let them test me for all of these rare genetic disorders??? :(

And did I mention that my nausea is in a different league?? Oh yeah, I did. :)

Thanks to my 6-7 week DISGUST with food, I seem to have lost about 12 pounds during the first trimester. Don't worry, I had it to spare. I weigh less than I have in several years. The nurse at the OB's office said I should be happy about it. She then said I'll probably gain 50 pounds in the next 6 months. Ha ha. Not funny. I have no appreciable baby belly that is observable to anyone but me.

My anxiety is MUCH less out of control. In fact, I feel pretty strong some of the time.

Because I tend to fight optimism with every ounce of my being, I must include my challenges as well:

I have developed an infection in a cyst on my tailbone. I have had it several times before, but haven't had a flareup in several years. It is painful and awkward (I spend my time at home with a warm, wet washcloth between my ass cheeks...how's that for awkward). I have responded well to antibiotics in the past, but can't take that antibiotic now. So I'm not sure if the "safe" medicine will help get rid of it....but I hope so.

Still not sleeping well.

My weeks of nausea have left me pretty isolated, and I have been out of touch with friends and even some of my family. I'm sad. I know people understand, but it still sucks. I hope I'm up for being out in the world again soon.

CVS Results

2008-07-07T13:02:00.003-04:00

The "preliminary results...with 95% certainty" are that I am having a chromosomally normal baby.

Oh, and IT'S A GIRL.

Still waiting to hear about the genetic disorder stuff. As far as I know, the donor has still not gone in to have blood drawn. So, I wait. And I try to focus on the good stuff written above!

More Ups and Downs at 11w5d

2008-07-02T14:02:00.008-04:00

I got the scary news yesterday that I'm a carrier for some genetic disorder that I've never heard of. It is called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). Only 2% of the population carries it. The baby will only have the disorder if both parents are carriers; and even if both parents are carriers, there is only a 25% chance that the child will have it.

So, I have been panicked. My OB suggested that I get a cvs as soon as possible. I did not enjoy his alarmist attitude about all of this. I was having enough trouble holding it together without him. And I didn't like that he told me "you have to have your husband come in immediately for a blood test"...to which I replied, "if you check your records, you'll remind yourself that I don't have a husband." I got on the phone and started to get my ducks in a row:

(1) I spoke to the genetic counselor at the cryobank, who let me just say was SO nice and SO knowledgeable and SO positive and reassuring. She told me this child has less than a 1% chance of having this disorder. She also called the donor and arranged for him to come in today for a blood test. I was amazed how on the ball she was.

(2) I cancelled my nuchal and scheduled a cvs for next Tuesday.

(3) I changed my work schedule to allow me to be out next Tuesday.

(4) I scheduled genetic counseling for this morning.

(5) I arranged for different test results and paperwork to be sent to all the right places.

And then I went home and cried for hours....scared of the possible results of all this....but more scared that I just am not coping with this pregnancy, and all of its ups and downs, very well. Scared that I will never feel normal and strong again. Scared that I'm just not cut out for this.

So, I went to genetic counseling this morning and met with this great counselor Julie. She was so nice to me and knew what she was talking about. I think I freaked her out when I burst into tears at least 3 times. She made me go have lots of blood drawn to see if I'm a carrier for 2 other genetic diseases...but I have little fear that I am. The odds are just very, very small.

And then I went to the next building where I am supposed to have the cvs next Tuesday. I begged to come in earlier, but they had no open appointments. Then I remembered hearing another woman in the genetic counseling office say she had to cancel something today. So I asked....is someone cancelling today??!! The nice woman behind the desk said she had heard someone might cancel. She made some calls, and sure enough, I was in. I had my cvs an hour later. I'm so freakin relieved to have that overwith, and to not have to go through the next week worrying about it.

There were a couple of nice things. First, they did a very long ultrasound (first time I've ever had an ultrasound on the belly instead of trans-vag)...I got to see the baby in all his/her glory for a good 10 minutes. I saw two legs, two arms. I saw a nose and a mouth. I saw the baby moving around like a wild animal! Doing turns and flips! I heard the 164 beats/minute heartbeat. Everying looked wonderful. The second nice thing is that the cvs really didn't hurt much at all. I had built it up to be this huge painful thing, but it just wasn't. And it was quick.

So I should get preliminary results tomorrow or Monday at the latest...whether or not the baby has Down's or other chromosomal problems. And I also will be told the gender. I can't believe that I will know that by Monday if not tomorrow.

I have to wait 2 weeks for the donor's blood results to see if he's an SMA carrier. If he is, I have to wait 2 more weeks to see if the baby has the disorder. Sheesh, the waiting never seems to end.

What a ridiculously long post. I needed to get it all out.

Things I'm Liking These Days

2008-06-28T17:28:00.003-04:00

Because I mostly have been wallowing, I thought it was time to focus on some things that are making me happy these days...

lemonade
fettuccine alfredo
ice cold water
reruns of Entourage
ordering 2 new dresses today
So You Think You Can Dance--I LOVE IT
having lots of hope for Pepper's IVF
going to bed by 9:00
being off Zofran for 4 days now
fresh cut pineapple
watermelon
the thought that I might soon like food again
having the self-finger stick thing over with (blood needed in connection with nuchal translucency a week from Monday)
continued crush on a guy in my poker group
buying a headset for my cell phone, given all the recent buzz about how cell phones are "not safe" for pregnant women
re-watching movies that I like (today was Fever Pitch, Devil Wears Prada)
buying new chapstick today
weekends in general because I don't have to go to work
seeing my niece and nephew earlier this week for the first time in several weeks
getting a phone call from a friend who said he told other people that I was "doing great"
feeling some support from friends (like getting cards in the mail...thanks, banana)
peach ice cream in my freezer
white cherries
having air conditioning on hot days like this
seeing my baby on ultrasound the other day and having the doctor push on my belly and tell the baby "move for mommy"....I'd never been called that before...
the plan to get a pedicure tomorrow
green grapes
acupuncture
being at 11 weeks, 1 day today
talking to my dad on the phone and hearing him get choked up when I told him I'll be delivering at the same hospital where he interned after finishing dental school

Plugging Along

2008-06-24T07:43:00.002-04:00

I really am doing just that...plugging along. Trying to take it day by day. Even minute by minute sometimes. My mind plays tricks on me and I get myself all wrapped up in different worries, so I'm trying to quiet all those thoughts. Sometimes I am able to.

On the acupuncture table last night I got into a rhythm that seemed to help:

Breathe in....visualize warming yellow light filling my body...thinking "calm" and "healing"

Breathe out...visualize dark smokey air leaving my lungs and my body...thinking "let go of the worry and fear"

I ran into my friend at the acupuncturist's office. We stopped at Starbucks and chatted while I ate a piece of blueberry coffee cake (which I think might be my newest obsession--hey did you notice I'm actually eating without gagging????). My friend is moving on to IVF#2 this week. I told her I'd give her all my leftover meds, needles, sharps container, alcohol pads--everything. So she came over and I passed it all off.

It was weird to hand that box over. This is a box of stuff that has been in my livingroom since April. I have looked at it every single day since then, and every day it reminds me of what I would have to do if this pregnancy does not continue. Every day it has reminded me of infertility. While holding onto these things, I have been holding onto fear. And holding onto the definition of myself as "INFERTILE" and damaged. There was something really freeing about giving it all away to her, and sending with it all my hope for her upcoming cycle. I'm glad the stuff in the box is now attached to my hope instead of my fear. It just feels better that way.

Of course, the crazy part of me is worried that by giving that stuff away, I've jinxed this pregnancy....but I try to breathe that thought away. You see how rough the crazy part is???

My nausea has been on and off these days but never even nearly as bad as it was pre-Zofran. I'm hoping that not only are the meds working, but that the nausea is starting to go away on its own too. "Normal" is still appreciated to the fullest.

"Normal"

2008-06-18T19:41:00.002-04:00

Well, the last several days have been pretty grim. Starting around Saturday the nausea became so bad that I couldn't eat or drink. Or sleep. And then I started having some panic attacks. I have found it really difficult to cope with being so out of control over what is happening with my body...especially when I am in a state of constant BAD feelings.

There were moments when I started to doubt if I could get through this pregnancy or if I even wanted to. Those moments were very dark, indeed. I am ashamed to write it. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to achieve this pregnancy that has been so longed for, and I feel guilty and sad and ashamed that I have not been happy about it in the past days.

Went to the new OB on Monday (called in sick from work). He needed to take 7 vials of blood. Due to dehydration and lack of food, my veins were not cooperating....some would start to give blood and then just stop. He ended up taking blood from several places...the normal spots on both arms, and then on my left wrist (which took about 15 minutes to finally get the vein going). He also did an ultrasound and I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. He told me to schedule my nuchal translucency test and to make an appointment for genetic counseling (has anyone ever done genetic counseling? I'm worried it will just...worry me with all the possible negative outcomes presented).

He then prescribed Zofran. All my hopes were in this little pill that dissolves under your tongue. In all my life, I have rarely felt so desperate for some relief. Monday evening, after the first pill, there was minimal improvement. Then I took it 3 times yesterday with some improvement. And then there was today.

Today was the first return to "normal" that I've felt in what seems like (but isn't) a very, very long time. Not that I felt perfect today, but it was like a whole new world compared to the last several days. Today, I actually ate some lunch, and I actually swallowed some mouthfulls of water instead of just wetting my mouth with water. And there were moments when I was happy about the idea of this baby.

It's amazing how absolutely GLORIOUS it is right now to feel closer to "normal" and I hope to try to remember this and not take "normal" for granted again. Dear God, I really hope this continues.

Forgive me if I've been out of touch with people's blogs and my own blog...I just needed/need to get away from the baby-making world until this all calms down for me.

Ultrasound

2008-06-14T08:51:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to post a picture from my 8w6d ultrasound from Thursday:

Okay, within the black area, you are looking at the baby from the top of the head ...the baby looks like it's lying down on it's back with it's head closest to you. See it hanging from the umbilical cord? The big round ball on the right is the head...the legs are off in the distance to the left of the head. I know it's hard to see, but there it is.

I could see the head moving and the little legs kicking! My little active baby! It was pretty surreal!

I finally got to stop the progesterone. The RE told me that pregnancy hormone levels start to drop (?) or maybe stop increasing around 10 weeks, and said the nausea will start to go away. PLEASE GOD let that be true. Today has been okay so far; I'm still thinking that at least part of my nausea has to do with anxiety. Saturday = no work = less stress = less nausea.

Yesterday an SMC email buddy told me I need to schedule the nuchal translucency test NOW. Her sense of urgency freaked me out. I'm scared about all this testing and how stressful it will be to wait for the results.

Does anyone know anything about the nuchal translucency?

Magic?

2008-06-11T16:04:00.002-04:00

The nausea has been hitting me hard. Last night I went to acupuncture and she literally worked magic. Just after the needles went into my wrists and my chest, the nausea was gone. And it stayed away for the rest of the night. I ate a meal without feeling like gagging last night!!! How does that happen? Acupuncture is literally like some magical act!

But, alas, the waves of nausea are back again this afternoon. The last 2 hours have been rough, but maybe I'm starting to feel a little better now (?).

The acupuncturist told me to retrain my thinking. "Being nauseous means a good, strong pregnancy. Be happy about it." Um...yeah, right. I'm trying to think positively, but am usually interrupted by the urge to hurl.

I have my last appointment with the RE tomorrow before I "graduate" to my regular OB. I am seeing the cute guy for ultrasound, not my regular RE (who is on vacation this week). It was sad saying goodbye to my regular RE last week, knowing we would not see each other again unless I try for another one at some point. We must have hugged 10 times. She was really very sweet about the whole thing. She demanded phone calls and pictures in the future. I admit it will be weird to not go there anymore. I have issues with change.

Can anyone share some nausea remedies? Pretty please????

Roughness and a Meme...

2008-06-09T12:22:00.005-04:00

Okay, I gotta say that the past week has been rough. I haven't been able to post, or even to read too many blogs. Everything (even non-pregnancy-related things) makes me anxious. I have not been able to do very well in calming down since last Tuesday....even though everything is okay with me and the baby. I have struggled with anxiety at times in my life in the past, and this past week has been a doozy. Actually, I can't talk about it anymore now because I feel the anxiety returning...ugh...need prenatal yoga...or at least a lot of Ativan...

What I hope I CAN do is respond to being tagged by Pepper, who is a true inspiration to me and probably all of us in the world of trying to become a mother in whatever way we can. Apparently the rules are to answer the questions, and then tag 5 or 6 people (posting their names, and then commenting on their blog to inform them of their "tagged" status, and inviting them to read your blog).

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I was at the beginning to middle stage of getting my PhD. That means I was reading a lot and writing a lot. Personally, I was on a dating hiatus (which sadly lasted way, way too long) and was still avoiding a lot of the emotional baggage that I feel I have finally addressed in the past 5 years.

2. Five things on my to do list for today.
Find out about local prenatal yoga classes; call potential new OB to see if I want her to deliver my baby; return 438 phone calls (not really that many, but I feel that I owe several friends a call back); eat small meals to avoid nausea; and go shopping for hair gel, dishwashing liquid, and toilet paper.

3. Snacks I enjoy.
Enjoy? That's tricky. The thought of pretty much all food has made me totally sick in the past couple of weeks. Yet I must force myself to eat a little so that I don't get overly hungry, and thus, even more nauseous. It's a delicate balance. So, the snacks I brought to work with me today are: individual little things of applesauce, small packs of oyster crackers, a cheese sandwich on whole wheat, whole wheat crackers, and a blueberry yogurt. Must move on to next question before I gag.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire.
First of all, I would pay off all of my best friend's debt, I would buy her the car of her dreams, and a beautiful house somewhere that I could visit frequently (or even move into). I would also book a cruise for us...maybe throughout Europe. I would give some money to some good kids charities (would have to research that to find the ones I liked best). For myself I would buy a great apartment here in nyc, and a nice house somewhere close by, and also a car. I would buy some cool things for my baby, and would save lots of money for him/her to have in the future.

5. Places I have lived.
This is truly boring and embarrassing. I grew up in New Jersey, went to college in NYC in 1989, and have lived here ever since. I've always wondered about living in Boston.

Okay, who to tag...well, I would have tagged Sharon and Meg, but Pepper already got them. So how about Ladybits, Joonie, Paige, Fromheretomaternity, and Babyquest.

One baby

2008-06-03T13:33:00.002-04:00

Thanks for the comments on yesterday's post, ladies. It's just so nice to know you guys are out there.

Well, I couldn't sleep last night. Probably due to nerves about today's ultrasound. But I had no reason to think anything was wrong...not until I finally got out of bed this morning. Mild cramping. After I peed, I noticed a tint of red on the toilet paper. OH NO. I went into full panic mode, complete with "I KNEW this has all been too good to be true" statements.

I made it to the RE's office....thankfully I already had my ultrasound scheduled. I lost it when she walked in the room. Told her about the tinge of red. Ultrasound showed a perfect baby...the right size...a nice heartbeat. ONE baby (sigh of relief). She said that spotting and cramping is normal and that I shouldn't freak out "unless blood is gushing." I made her repeat several times that there's no reason to think anything will necessarily go wrong.

I am relieved, but still crampy, and still freaked out. I don't know why I'm at work today because I'm pretty useless. My work day so far has been spent either worrying or trying to plan how to leave work early today.

So here's my newest idea: I need to not think about this pregnancy for a while. Even for just a minute. I'm driving myself totally crazy. Only problem is, I don't know how to get my mind on something else. If I leave work, I will just go home and obsess. I dream of taking a vacation from this for a week...lying on the sand...not fearing the worst...letting the breeze blow over me.

I want to be at a happy place with this pregnancy. Will that ever happen? The RE told me to "enjoy my pregnancy" as best I can. Is this the best I can???

I need some IV ginger ale because this nausea is killin' me.

Yucky stomach

2008-06-02T12:07:00.002-04:00

Ugh, I've had a gross stomach for the past 2 days. Not the barfy, nauseus kind so much (although I have that too), it's more of a, um, sit down kind of thing. Maybe I ate something weird. Dunno. But this is ridiculous. Hoping things (ahem) slow down soon.

I'm sorry, this is a gross post. Quick change of subject...

Shows I am into right now:
Top Chef
Lost
Big Love (I just on-demanded all of season 1)
So you Think you Can Dance (I know, I know, but I love it)

I just watched the Lost season finale on DVR last night. The show always raises more questions than it answers. For example, what happens to the people left on the island (and who are they)? What happens to the helicopter pilot? Who was on the boat when the bomb went off? Where is Claire? How does Sun explain getting pg on the island?

In pregnancy land, many of my ttc buddies have started to shun me since I got pregnant. I knew it would happen, but it saddens me greatly nonetheless. For similar reasons, I feel a little weird posting these days. I know no one wants to hear me blather on about my insecurities and fears and that's pretty much what is on my mind these days....aside from the above-mentioned nausea and recent blow-ups (again, I'm sorry for the TMI). My second ultrasound is tomorrow and hopefully the singleton vs. identical twins question will be answered. I try not to think about that too much or I get completely overwhelmed.

What good tv shows are you guys watching these days? I need some ideas.

First ultrasound

2008-05-28T13:30:00.002-04:00

I think I was more nervous this morning than I have been throughout this entire process so far. I was shaking and couldn't really breathe.

We saw a baby and a heartbeat. I was just lying there looking up at the screen with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't speak. The doctor kept telling me everything looked great. The baby is measuring 6w2d + or - 2 days, which is on target (today is 6w5d). The heartbeat was this amazing little flicker. Indescribable. My due date is January 17, 2009.

The doctor then said, "I don't want to .... I don't want to ... get your hopes up ... but there might be another one there."

WHAT? Identical twins??

She said it is very unlikely...only a 5% chance of it. But she does see something there. She can't tell if it is nothing or another baby. "It's probably nothing." I have to go back next Tuesday morning for another look. This twin possibility totally freaks me out. Not that I wouldn't be thrilled, but come on...TWO AT ONCE?? I'd be outnumbered!

Doctor also measured my ovaries. The right one was "normal" sized (about 3cm) but the left one...my hard worker...was more than 5 cm. She said they are supposed to be between 2 and 4 cm. So what does this enlargement mean? She said she was not alarmed and that it would probably shrink down soon. Hrmf.

She wants me to keep taking progesterone through week 10. Argh.

A Pregnant Pulse

2008-05-24T09:15:00.004-04:00

My negative thoughts are pretty much out of control much of the time. Yesterday my newest obsession was that I am having an ectopic due to some fleeting pain on the lower left side. I haven't totally ruled it out yet, but do realize I need to stop googling things and self-diagnosing. I also continue to fear that the embryo has just gone away...sayonara...no one lives here anymore.

Last night my acupuncturist told me those thoughts will go away in time. That because I have "struggled" to get pregnant, it's hard to imagine that this might actually be happening. She said I seem to feel comfortable being a worrier. She's right. I intensely dislike that about myself. She then told me I have a pregnant pulse, and that I should try to practice DENIAL and get my mind off this as much as possible. She suggests reading Us Weekly and watching bad tv (I'm no stranger to either one!).

I met up with an SMC friend at the acupuncturist and we had dinner afterward. My friend is waiting to POAS on Monday after her first IVF. I'm so hopeful for her and it hurts me to see her so defeated and pessimistic. Anyway, we got to talking about disclosure issues. Who do you tell the circumstances of your child's conception? What do you tell people? How much detail do you give? How do you deal with nosey people? As a single woman hopefully carrying a donor-conceived child, this thoughts enter my mind frequently.

My friend told me about other SMCs she knows who have kids and how they have handled the above. She said her friends were shocked at how intrusive people can be and how far some will go to try to find out who the father is. "I didn't know you were married." "Oh, you're single...well, he IS giving you money, right?" "Wait, you DO know the father, right?" Wow. How would I deal with those questions??

My sense is that the people who are close to me will (and already do) know the truth. For those outside of that (acquaintances, work people, etc.), I think that I will try to convey that this is something I have worked hard for, something that is very wanted, and something that I'm thrilled about. Not a drunken one night stand (wish it could have been so easy, or enjoyable for that matter). Also, the father will not be involved in our lives; I have chosen to do this as a single mom. If people try to delve further (which I think is not their place!), I will let them know "that's between me and my child."

I'm curious what others think. For you singles out there, and for you coupled up people too, what are your thoughts?

and the UTI goes on...Updated

2008-05-22T08:03:00.004-04:00

I went in Tuesday morning for a repeat urine test to see if my infection was gone. No one called me Tuesday. No one called me Wednesday. So I called Wednesday and spoke to a nurse. She was so NOT helpful. Told me my results were "abnormal" -- that I had white blood cells and epitheliel cells, but couldn't tell me what that meant. Told me they are still waiting for results of the "urine culture" but couldn't tell me what that was or what info it would give us. Told me a doctor would call me back, but no one did.

So the powers of google helped me to learn that the presence of white blood cells and epitheliel cells means the infection goes on (that part I knew) and that the urine culture will tell them which kind of germ/bacteria it is and how to best treat it.

I'm frustrated and discouraged. Why couldn't SHE have known the info? Why did I have to look for it? And why haven't the white blood cells left the building yet? Why didn't 5 days of antibiotics knock it out?

I anticipate more antibiotics in my future. If anyone ever calls me back, that is.

*************************

Well, it seems that I don't have an infection anymore. Spoke to two REs at the clinic and they both said the bacteria was from the collection (i.e., normal bacteria on the...ahem...lady parts) and not from any infection. They want me to repeat the urine and get a "clean catch" when I go in for ultrasound next Wednesday. So I'm supposed to stop worrying. Uhhhh yeah.

9mw

2008-05-19T08:02:00.002-04:00

I am intensely worried all the time, especially in the last day or so.

I worry that this will all soon go away, or that it even already has.

I worry that the egg that contributed to this embryo was bad...all my other eggs were...most didn't fertilize, and the few that did...well, they made crappy embryos. So this egg is probably crappy too.

I worry that I don't have enough symptoms to indicate a healthy pregnancy.

I'm worried that there will be no heartbeat when I go in for ultrasound a week from Wednesday.

I worry that the antibiotics I had to take for my UTI have damaged the embryo in some way.

I worry that I am sending negative energy to this pregnancy and that if it does end, I will be to blame.

I'm worried that having a less-than-easy time ttc has scarred me in some way...made it impossible for me to be positive and to believe that this might actually be okay.

I know this post may not be welcomed. I know I should shut up. I am finally pregnant. But I just need to get these things off my chest. I'm stuck in a very long two week wait--like a nine month wait with all the trimmings.

Second beta

2008-05-15T12:36:00.002-04:00

So, the results are in. Second beta (day 19pER) is 1058, which has risen nicely since day 17's 418. I am quite happy about this!

"First pregnancy ultrasound" is scheduled for 5/28, at which point they look for a heartbeat. (Apparently, they make you come back for another ultrasound after that one before they can graduate you to your regular OBGYN.) So, I'll be nervous until 5/28, but I'm trying to stay positive.

Also, have I mentioned THE HEARTBURN?? And the EXHAUSTION?? And how ridiculous my sense of smell is right now? No nausea (knock on wood), but I just can't seem to eat anything until around lunch time.

My UTI is maybe getting a little better. I was hoping it would be a lot better by now. Peeing sucks.

Argh (like a pirate)

2008-05-14T15:34:00.002-04:00

The clinic just called...

Her: Hi, is Jessica there?

Me: Yes, it's me (trying to breathe).

Her: [She introduced herself.] How are you?

Me: Okay (just give me my results, dammit!!), and you?

Her: I'm fine....BUT...(my heart dropped)....the lab isn't giving us bloodwork results today so we will have to let you know tomorrow morning.

Me: OMG that "but" scared the tar out of me!

So, the waiting continues. I'm not sure why I'm at all surprised. This entire process is a lesson in tolerating all different kinds of waiting.

By the way, when I walked in for bloodwork this morning, my RE came to me and hugged me for a good minute, and kept saying "I can't believe it!" She then said, "even with that bad fert report" (hey...keep that negative stuff to yourself, please!!).

I can feel it now....burning...burning

2008-05-13T19:53:00.004-04:00

(I forget which cartoon that is from.)

Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection. Lovely. I feel like I have to pee all the time, and when I do...it BURNS like mad. My OBGYN gave me antibiotics which I hope will clear this up!

Oh yeah, and I also have HEARTBURN.

I have to go in for second beta tomorrow to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I just get nervous at every step. My friend who is a mom said that is how things are for the rest of your life...

First beta

2008-05-12T15:03:00.004-04:00

I've been away at a wedding since Thursday night. It was pretty tricky trying to hide the fact that I wasn't drinking, especially since some of my long lost drinking buddies were at the wedding. But I think I pulled it off pretty well. And I must say, it is very interesting to be a sober person watching drunk people around you.

I peed on a stick every morning from Wednesday to Saturday. The line darkened Thursday and Friday, but seemed a little lighter on Saturday morning. I have been PETRIFIED. Scared that it just...went away.

So I was really nervous to go in for my first blood test this morning. Today is 17dpER, so I was hoping for a beta of 250 (but fearing the number would be closer to 43...that number has been stuck in my head like a bad commercial). Well, the nurse just called and beta is 418.

I feel relieved, like I've gotten through one of many, many hurdles in this process.

Is this really happening??

13dpER

2008-05-08T06:09:00.004-04:00

I know this picture isn't great...but here are the pee sticks...the top one is from yesterday (12dpER) and the bottom one is this morning (13dpER--I think it's a little darker today):

I'm not very interested in food and I couldn't sleep at all last night. Still feeling quite nervous about this whole thing.

Cautious Optimism

2008-05-07T15:00:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning terrified to POAS, but did it. Immediately, the one line came up. DAMN IT!! I said it out loud.

About 20 seconds later I looked again. IT'S A SQUINTER!! I said it out loud.

After minutes, the second line became darker. Not super dark, but darker. I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!! I CAN'T say it out loud.

I really tried to take a picture of it, but my camera couldn't get it in focus.

These last 11 days have been such a whirlwind of ups and downs. I feel like the whole experience has been like a dream and that I will wake up soon.

I can't help but worry that this is very, very early (12dpER) and that anything can happen...but there are moments when I allow elation to come in...and I allow myself--if only for a second--to think about what might be....

5dp6dt

2008-05-06T10:35:00.003-04:00

It's all about the bbs. They are just not as sore as they used to be. I feel my hope deflating, and thoughts of having to go through this again in June are ovewhelming me.

2dp6dt

2008-05-03T14:14:00.002-04:00

All is quiet...

I feel intermittent crampiness which could be (1) a good thing, (2) impending AF, or (3) nothing but my mind playing tricks.

When's a girl to start peeing on a stick around here?

I can't believe it

2008-05-01T13:02:00.003-04:00

Wow. For the first time in many days, I have something positive to say. I got a call this morning saying I have "a good, hatching 6 day blast" and that I needed to come right in.

Turns out, two of my embies made it to blast. One was "very poor" quality and wasn't transferred, and the other was good and already hatching...so she put it in. She gives it a 50% chance of pregnancy.

She also said she thinks my poor fertilization rate was sperm related. Turns out they don't look at sperm morphology...only count and motility. She was "sure" it was a sperm issue, and suggests I use ICSI or a new donor for future cycles. I told her how the other doctor(s) suggested poor egg quality, but she repeated that she thought it was the sperm. It's funny how different REs in the same practice can have totally different ideas.

So, beta is a week from Monday.

I truly feel that what has happened is a miracle. They did not expect any of my 5 embryos to make it to today (and, therefore, neither did I).

I feel I can finally exhale after 4-5 days of living in hell. I'm going to go lie down.

Hanging on by a thread

2008-04-30T14:09:00.004-04:00

These days have been the darkest I've experienced. I fluctuate between panic and intense sadness. I'm unable to function. Literally. I don't know myself right now.

Spoke to my RE the other day and let's just say she was less than positive. I really felt like she cared much more about the clinic success rate than my sanity...and that sucked.

I made an appointment to consult with another clinic in 2 weeks.

Will wait for tomorrow morning's call that will tell me none of my 5 made it to blast. I'm mad that they didn't give my 8-celled embryo a chance to be transferred on Monday. I (and it) at least deserved a chance. But I see now that was too risky to the clinic's percentages.

I didn't know that pain like this existed.

Benched

2008-04-28T10:07:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm benched...at least for another 3 days, if not another 6 weeks.

One of the REs in the practice called as I was getting ready to leave for the transfer. He said that all 5 embryos are still alive: two are 4-celled, two are 5-celled, and one is a "good to fair" 8 celled embryo. He does not think the 4&5 celled ones will continue to grow. He gives the 8 celled a 50-50 chance. He suggests we wait another 3 days to see what happens. If the 8 celled grows into a blastocyst (spelling?), they will transfer it on Thursday. If it doesn't, it wouldn't have achieved a pregnancy if it were transferred today anyway.

I asked a lot about the fertilization issue. He said 14 of the 16 eggs were mature. The sperm sample was very good. Therefore they didn't use ICSI. What they found is that the majority of my eggs had not allowed sperm to bind to it...eggs apparently have receptors that pull sperm in, and he said maybe my eggs don't have these receptors. So he said we should use ICSI next time to get the eggs to fertilize. I really grilled him on the egg quality issue...he said it isn't necessarily an egg quality issue, might be a receptor issue...said he has patients with the same thing who then use ICSI, get lots of embryos, and that at least some of the embryos are good enough. He also went into the "every cycle is different" story...how next cycle I will produce a totally different crop of eggs.

So there's the update. I don't feel as badly as I did yesterday. I feel like there is some hope that maybe my eggs aren't all shitty. (But I won't even get into the "why only one 8-celled out of five" question right now.)

GOOD GOD why does this have to be so hard?

The Struggle

2008-04-27T19:22:00.004-04:00

The wait of the past 30 or so hours has been the worst part of this entire IVF experience for me so far. Hands down. Some would say I am catastrophizing, but I feel like tomorrow I will find out whether or not I will someday be able to have a biological child.

My greatest fear is to hear tomorrow morning that "your transfer is cancelled...none of your embryos have made it." Will I know what that means? I guess I would confidently assume that my eggs are past their expiration date, and that my notion of motherhood will have to change YET AGAIN.

This entire ttc process has helped me to see how hard it is for me to not have control over what is happening. There is a small percentage of control that we have in this process. We do what we are told. We avoid what we are told to avoid. We allow ourselves to get poked. Probed. Medicated. We wake up early and wait in waiting rooms. We decide when to keep going or when to stop. We deplete our savings. We arrange our schedules around our cycles. And then ultimately we wait...relinquishing all control to some biological destiny or maybe to chance or whatever. In this last day and a half, I have not only felt out of control, but also out of information. I essentially have no idea what is going on. No answers. Only questions that lead me to imagine the worst.

I have also learned, or at least come to more fully understand, that I am a A+ person. I don't like to do okay, I only like to do extremely well. I think I've always had these extremely high expectations for myself. In some aspects of my life, I've been able to achieve what I want. But as I grow older, I am humbled by the things that I cannot seem to accomplish...even when I give them my all...and I can't even be "average" at them...I fail. I am more than humbled by these things. I am shamed and defeated.

I had lunch today with a new friend who is also trying to be an SMC. She tells me that the struggle sucks, but that it doesn't mean I won't someday be successful. That she's glad I started on the younger end of things. That in 3 years...who knows...maybe conception would be impossible for me. That now it's a struggle, but hopefully not impossible.

But I hate the struggle.

I'm desperate for hope, but terrified of it. I want to think positively, but I'm flooded with negativity. I feel that I know the truth down in my gut, and it's a truth I won't be able to face or handle. I hope I'm wrong.

Bad

2008-04-26T12:58:00.003-04:00

I feel raw and I don't know what to do except come here and write. Forgive me if I'm disjointed. I have so many feelings right now that I don't know what to do with.

I just got the call from the embryology guy. Out of sixteen eggs, five fertilized. FIVE.

He said he didn't have the lab report in front of him so he doesn't know what the sperm analysis was. All he knows is that they did not use ICSI. This tells me the sperm was probably okay. This tells me that it's probably an egg quality issue.

Because they didn't use ICSI, the apparently don't check how many eggs were mature. I assume that maybe 10 were...but I don't know. My E2 on Wednesday (2 days before retrieval) was 1800...doesn't that mean that probably 9 eggs were mature on Wednesday? So why did only 5 fertilize?

He said it was "disappointing" but that I should still have hope. He said that through natural selection, only the best eggs fertilize, and that I have reason to hope that at least 2 of these 5 will grow and develop normally for transfer on Monday.

I just don't know how to make sense of all this. Or what to tell myself about this in order to try to get through it. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with my body? Am I not supposed to have children?

And how will I know how to move on if I don't know what went wrong here? Everything is telling me that my eggs are shitty. That was the thing that scared me about ivf....finding that out. That was the thing I didn't want to learn. The thing that makes me have to rethink my life and my future.

Fuck.

I'm really mad at myself for allowing some hope to come in yesterday. It hurts me so much to feel defeated over and over and to have my hope shattered in my face.

Retrieval

2008-04-25T13:26:00.002-04:00

Done.

I went in at 7:30 this morning and left the clinic by 9:30. That place is a well oiled machine...one woman in, the next waiting, then one in recovery, then the next, etc. While I was in recovery, I heard the nurse call someone and say, "we are running ahead of schedule...can you come in earlier?" (Where was this "ahead of schedule" crap on the days I sat in the waiting room for hours??)

Anyway, I was nervous, but I got through it. And it really wasn't bad. My favorite doctor did the retrieval. She is so nice and positive, and I also feel like she is really competent and that I can trust her. The anesthesia was easy. As soon as I got into the OR I asked them to please put me to sleep. The few minutes of waiting to start was rough. But as soon as the anesthesia guy pushed the meds, I was out.

I woke up after what seemed like a finger snap, and noticed ... I don't know how to best describe it ... contractions in my vagina...not in the uterus, lower. What a weird thing to wake up to. So I said, "There's a lot going on down there!" The doctor pulled the speculum out and everything was fine from then on. (Maybe it was just a dream??)

The doctor then said, "Jess, we got SIXTEEN!" Yay! I hope at least 11 are mature and that at least half of them fertilize. That is my hope, but of course I don't know what will actually happen. They will call me tomorrow with the fert report.

I'm a little sore, but not too bad. They told me to be on the lookout for symptoms of OHSS. That kinda freaked me out. But whatever, I'll drink gatorade and look for the symptoms, and will call them if things get weird.

Thanks for the well wishes ladies. I appreciate it so so much.

Today I wait

2008-04-24T10:52:00.002-04:00

I did the trigger shot last night at exactly 9:00pm. I was nervous (and shaking a little) but I just jabbed it in...and it didn't even hurt. So no needles for me today.

Retrieval is 8:00am tomorrow morning.

I talked to my parents on the phone last night. I told them of my ttc efforts days before my 3rd IUI. My mother has been a real support for me through this, and I feel comfortable talking to her about it. Dad has never said anything negative to me about it...he just hasn't said anything at all. Last night we talked about the IM injection (he is a dentist and loves to talk all things medical), and then he asked me about the ivf process..."what's next"..."and then what" kind of thing. And at the end he said, "well, I really hope you get a favorable outcome....and if you don't, at least you will know that you have done everything you can."

To read that back, it doesn't seem as supportive as it felt. I think he meant it in the very best possible way, and it made me feel good.

I guess we'll just see what happens next.

In the home stretch...seemingly

2008-04-23T09:20:00.003-04:00

I can't start this post without acknowledging how supported I have felt by those of you who left me such nice and encouraging comments recently. They were so needed and so appreciated, and I can't thank you enough for them. Seriously.

Onto today's report: Today is day 10 of stims. I went to the doctor at the crack of dawn this morning...was there by 7:15am. Getting there earlier seemed to help move the process along more quickly. I was done with bloodwork and ultrasound by 8:10. Here's what Dr. Negative saw:

lining: 10.5mm
Follies on right ovary: 19, 18.5, 18, 17.5mm
Follies on left ovary: 22, 21, 19, 18, 16.5, 16, 15mm
(and there were a few smaller follies between 10 and 13mm)

Dr. Negativo said "they won't all be mature"...but I told myself even before she spoke that she probably would say something negative. I was ready for it. I wasn't going to let it get me down. She's the same one who told me I was a "poor responder" when I made 5 follicles on 150mg of Clomid. Hrmf.

After ultrasound I met with the nurse for a while. She is super nice and was much more positive. She thinks the 11 follicles will probably have mature eggs, and we may even have a couple more. Whatever. I can be happy with 10 or 11!! She had me go into a room and give myself my last Bra.velle + Rep.ronex shot, and my last Gan.irelix shot. Have meds, will travel. I'm done with stims!!!

Trigger shot tonight. Egg retrieval Friday morning. The nurse will call me later to tell me what time to trigger and when to come in on Friday morning for retrieval.

We talked a lot about how to give the freakin IM injection tonight with the 1 1/2 inch needle...I'm a little freaked...I know I just have to DO IT. She drew circles on my haunches where the injection could go on either side of my wide ass (the term "wide ass" has always made me laugh). Last injection. I can do it.

Tomorrow will be an injection-free day. I am working on a baby quilt for my friends' impending arrival. Maybe I'll sit in front of some bad TV and sew.

Thanks again for your support.